Well in America, every accused criminal and/or fantasy sports columnist has the right to a defense. And here to defend The Talented Mr. Roto is his beloved new wife!
Mrs. Berry will be here in a moment to champion and support her husband, but first, a quick recap.
In his 2011 fantasy football “Love/Hate” column (and is there a more exciting day all year than the publication date of the “Love/Hate” column? It’s like Christmas times Super Bowl Sunday to the power or Wrestlemania day.), Berry introduced us to his betrothed by way of a little love story.
“I have three kids.”
The drinks had not been ordered yet. The menus were still closed. We were less than 60 seconds into our first date.
/drops glass in horror
Now, I’ve been on a lot of first dates in my life. A lot. And I’ve heard many surprising things. “I’m a Wiccan,” “My real job is as a dominatrix” and my all-time favorite: “I can’t stay out late, my husband thinks I’m picking up a prescription.”
I’ve been asked by a first date to give her a ride to her drug dealer; been asked how much money I made before dessert; been out with someone who had me drop her off two blocks from home because she was still living with her jealous, crazy ex who had an assault record; been in the company of women who spent the entire evening being evangelical about a specific cause (usually religion, politics or, in one unforgivable instance, the Dallas Cowboys); women who were openly racist; one who asked if I wanted to swap sex tapes (and was disappointed upon learning I didn’t have one); and, on one occasion, one whose dad and brother dropped by because they were “big fans.”
So it takes a lot to shock me on a first date. But this was a new one for me.
Right? There is probably nothing more shocking than a woman who has children, especially a woman willing to date a middle-aged dude who looks like this:
Also: #humblebrag to this whole fucking thing and everything else he writes.
The ex-Mrs. Roto and I never had kids…
You’re divorced? I’m stunned.
I didn’t think another thing about it because, truth be told, I really didn’t care. Seriously. I wasn’t going to be around long enough to ever meet her kids and honestly, she’s pretty hot. Guys will nod and agree to anything crazy a woman says if she’s hot.
/nodding and agreeing
And so began my relationship with The Current Mrs. Roto. She’s funny, it turns out.
A woman? Get the fuck out of town.
Loves a good dirty joke. She’s got this wonderful empathy and nurturing side. She’s whip-smart. She’s adventurous and open-minded and has incredible energy. She’s the first to laugh at herself or make fun of something she does. She’s an amazing cook. She’s a Howard Stern fan. She’s an old-fashioned girly-girl and makes no apologies for it. Doesn’t understand basketball yet roots for the Lakers with the passion of a season-ticket holder. We have the same morals and point of view on most everything. She just … gets it. Whether we’re at a corporate event with my bosses or at a dive bar with friends, she’s totally comfortable. Everyone, including my dog, likes her more than they like me. But the thing I like the most? She’s positive. Always, always positive and smiling. Super-happy and laughs easily and rarely complains or gets annoyed about anything.
“Doesn’t understand basketball yet roots for the Lakers with the passion of a season-ticket holder” = sounds like the worst person on Earth.
The girl I was dating before I met the CMR was 25. Yeah. I was not looking for anything remotely serious. The CMR is everything I wasn’t looking for: age-appropriate, three kids, blonde (I tend to go for brunettes); the list goes on and on.
It truly does: she likes to talk after sex, she expects oral in return for oral, she votes, she drafts kickers before the last round, she doesn’t like it when I call her breasts “gazongas,” her carpet doesn’t match her drapes, she expects me to pick up my crumbs after I go on one of my four-day Twinkie binges, she won’t let me sleep with her sister, she won’t go see Adam Carolla live with me…
There’s lots more, but you get the gist. It’s a tale as old as the seas: boy meets girl, boy divorces girl, boy tries to date a bevy of young tramps, boy meets a new girl, boy is horrified that creatures crawled out of new girl’s vagina, boy realizes he’s 92 years old, boy marries new girl despite severe sexist reservations.
And here to fill us in, and to protect her husband from the vicious attacks he’s been receiving, is The Current Mrs. Roto herself:
Hey, y’all! I’m Mrs. Matthew Berry, or as he calls me, The Current Mrs. Roto.
See, he calls me that because he’s making fun of himself because he has an ex-wife and he’s dated so many crazy chicks that he’s implying I’m only temporary in his life. Tee-hee. One of the things I love most about Matt is how witty he is.
People really don’t understand Matt, and I think that’s why so many people criticize him. He’s so funny in his columns that people think he’s sexist or treats women badly, and he doesn’t at all! Trust me — i would know! He’s amazing with women. Other ladies will back me up that we love a guy with a sense of humor, and that’s my Matt. Just the other day, he told me one of his patented “crazy chick” stories — he went on a date with a woman who had a full-time job and wanted to keep it even after she got married! Tee-hee. I just about busted a gut when he told me that one.
Another time, he went on a date with a girl who got a text message in the middle of the date and then she had to leave because her apartment was flooded! Can you believe the bad luck?
Also, just to show you how funny he is, look at this line he wrote in his football preview last year: “He’s a Britt. House. He’s mighty mighty. Letting it all hang out.”
Do you get it? If you don’t get it, that might be why you don’t like Matt, because you don’t follow his humor.
Hey, do you guys love basketball like I do? I love it when the tall black men throw that round thing into that other round thing! So exciting! Do you know that I once saw Kobe Bryant at the Grove?
/squeals like a cross between a pig mid-slaughter and a girl petting Justin Bieber’s hair
That’s what I sounded like when I saw him! Some people think the Lakers aren’t gonna do too good this year, but I’m such a positive person I believe in The Power Of Kobe. Purple and gold, purple and gold!
Anyway, sorry, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Matt! Matt is so dedicated to his craft, you guys. He has a studio desk set up in our bedroom with a video camera and a mirror, and he just sits there all day long practicing saying funny things about football players. (I admit, sometimes he steals puns from Rick Reilly, but it’s like they say — if you wanna be the best, you gotta copy the best!) He has camera lights and everything. You should see some of the things he makes me do under that studio desk!
Did you know that Matt wrote Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles? Which everyone obviously knows is the very best of the Crocodile Dundees. “That’s not a knife. THAT’S a KNIFE!”
I think Matt wrote that line!
Sometimes Matt does get sad. He got sad the other day, and I asked him why (I never get sad because I’m such a positive person), and he said that it was because he wrote these things last year before football season:
- I love me some Devin Aromashodu. One of my guys I am planting the proverbial flag on.
- Big year for [Kevin] Kolb. Big year.
- Jerricho Cotchery will lead Jets WRs in fantasy points.
But then he told me that millions of people click on his articles anyway just because he’s on ESPN, so it doesn’t even matter what he says! Matt’s so smart. Hey, do you wanna hear a joke I told Matt on our first date?
Q: Why is a woman like KFC?
A: Because after that succulent breast and tender thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box to put your bone in!
Oh, he laughed and laughed! I love dirty jokes, they’re so naughty!
Anyhow, in conclusion, I really love The Talented Mr. Roto and you should too.