We’re assholes. Seriously. We’re not professionals like Rick Santorum or Eric Cantor, but we’re certainly highly-ranked amateurs.
So when our buddy Surly Minnesota (Grand)Father started a Fantasy Football league several years back, we thought it would be funny to pick out one of the guys we’d never met and give him shit during the draft for no real reason. Thankfully, we picked the right guy. In addition to all the other fun aspects of Fantasy, now we look forward to torturing some guy named Mike Collins every year (Obviously, this is an online draft… we’re also highly-ranked cowards).
As the years have passed, the conceit has aged like a fine wine (at least for us). But what exactly makes Mike Collins so hateful? We decided to explore our feelings.
The Dilemma: Look, we can sit here all day and debate the reasons Mike Collins sucks (God knows there are a lot of valid reasons), but I think what it comes down to is this: Mike Collins is a bad person. His soul is corrupt and his moral compass is inexorably pointing south-southeast. Whatever “thing” it is that we good people have inside us that helps us separate right from wrong (some people call it conscience, some people call it God, some people call it basic humanity), Mike Collins is missing it. And I’m not defining a “good person” by any traditional Western standards; rather, I’m defining it as part of the age-old stream that connects all humans, living and dead. Mike Collins isn’t a bad person because he’s socially inept or because he disobeys our cultural norms; he’s a bad person because there’s some sort of amorality (I’ll stop short of calling it an evil) at his very center.
David Simon Cowell: Certainly, Mike Collins’ moral turpitude is exceptional… he’s like a mixture of Michelle Bachmann, Hitler and Danny Bonaduce.
But, to me, the most remarkable thing is the way that inhumanity marks itself with his stench. It’s a smell that no amount of showering can erase, one that every year literally wafts through my computer and necessitates a good cleaning in rubbing alcohol (it’s quite a trick, really). Sure, there’s that inevitable hint of sulfur. But that’s like a hint of vanilla in a good Malbec, merely a supporting note. The closest I can come is that it’s as if a garbage barge full of rotting corpses sailed into Chaz Bono’s sealed vagina, who threw it up into a bucket of Malort and let it ferment for a decade. It’s like being slapped across the face by Bea Arthur’s dick.
T.D.: Absolutely: the odor is foul. Repugnant. Off-putting. Rectal in nature. So strong it’s almost visual.
But I argue today that said stench is merely a symptom of Collins’ basic inhumanity, rather than the ultimate reason for his sucking. Whatever higher power exists in this world likes to acknowledge its mistakes. That’s why certain people have heinous birthmarks, or leprosy, or spina bifida. They are public warnings to the rest of us that some evil lurks within, some breach, some deficiency. Collins’ rank bouquet, rising above him like dust following Pigpen, is merely an indicator of what he truly is.
No, the ultimate damnation of Collins is not his smell, nor even his hideous visage. His actions define him as a person (or “person”), and so his actions condemn him.
Look, I’m a pretty cynical person, and I’m also pretty open-minded. But somewhere deep within, I do believe that there is a difference between right and wrong, and that certain behaviors are unacceptable in this society. I don’t think it’s OK, for example, to masturbate atop the IDS Tower and allow your semen to fall onto the unsuspecting passersby below. I don’t think it’s OK to con the elderly out of their prescription medication just because you want to get high. I don’t think it’s OK to eat your own pubic hair. And I certainly don’t think it’s OK to take the Minnesota Defense in the 9th round of a fantasy draft.
D.S.C.: Blaming Collins for his drafting homerism is like blaming the deformed child at the beginning of 300… sure it’s his fault, because it’s a manifestation of his lack of a soul, but there are other forces at work.
Which is probably why all of it, the smell, the evilness, the stupidity, the deformity, makes most people turn away in horror and shudder. Because, it points to the ultimate uncontrollability and
meaninglessness of life. Much like Quasimodo, mothers shield their children’s eyes in Collins’ presence because they aren’t yet ready to explain the lesson that his hideous visage relays. The lesson that evil isn’t just some words in a book, some lesson parents use to scare their children into behaving. It is a palpable, visible presence in the world, something that can infect the core of us if we’re not careful. And when a weak-willed person like Collins welcomes it in and gives it a handie, it makes our battle seem futile. At the same time, he was dealt such a weak hand, it’s hard not to pity him on some level.
However, like Pol Pot, Rebecca Black and Jesus, the sad story of Collins’ creation doesn’t excuse the damage that his actions do. Sitting behind him in a Fantasy Draft is like sitting behind a
90-year-old Minnesotan at a Vegas blackjack table. It isn’t that he’s stealing your cards… usually, I have to search through my list to find whatever re-re he’s settled upon. But the mojo, the juju is undeniably fucked, and you end up busting simply from being in his presence.
I just quake thinking of the day when drafting is done in a video chat room, and… I’m sorry, I can’t go on. It’s too horrible.
T.D.: Perhaps I’ve been off target thus far. We’re drifting closer to debating the very existence of God than we are to the underlying cause of Mike Collins being the pathetic, inbred yokel that he is. Perhaps it’s a basic lack of intelligence that drives the moral, behavioral and odiferous failings in Collins’ character. Seriously, just read this from the message board last year, and try to tell me that it was written by someone with even slightly-below-average intelligence:
“Well I guess we will have to wait for the Joe Webb lead Vikings to win 14 games next year. Be patient mo fo. Yessss I am a Hommmmer and Coach Corn is a Hommmer Sextual.”
My only question is where on this scale someone who “wrote” that must fall:
IQ Range Classification
70-80: Borderline deficiency
below 20: Idiot
D.S.C.: Of course, since Collins is the definitive proof against God, it comes into the discussion. And of course, the answer is Idiot.
As for his lack of intelligence, it is remarkable. But he is from Minnesota, a state that elected both Jesse Ventura and Al Franken to major offices. I didn’t realize we had to mention the yokel part… I figured just noting he is from the Great Dense North would make that clear.
All I know is that every year after the draft I have to run a marathon of my Oprah DVD’s just to remind me that there is some hope out there.
And that tonight I’m going to look at his team of David Garrard, Randy Moss, and Tiki Barber, and not know whether to laugh or cry.