The Completely Biased 2011 NFL Preview

There are a ton of 2011 NFL previews around, analyzing statistics and trying to figure out which teams will make the playoffs or which players will break out, so we’re going to try something a little different.

We’re going to turn our NFL preview over to the “Superfans” — the passionate and dedicated fans who go to every game, read every word written about their teams and just flat-out care more than the rest of us. So some of these previews and predictions might seem a little biased, but who better to talk about the NFL’s most interesting teams than their biggest fans?

New York Jets: Fireman Ed

J! E! T! S! JETS! JETS JETS!

Fuccccckkkkkkkk yeah everybody it’s time for the 2011 football season! Whoooooo! Football! Thank God that strike is over and we can get down to business. This is proof that God loves America too much to let us go without the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I could not be more pumped up for the season, when Rex Ryan, the Sanchize and I will lead our Jets to the promised land at long last. Rex will take care of the strategizing, Sanchize will throw lasers all year, and I’ll handle the motivation.

That’s right, for our eight home games the 12th Man is going to be in full effect. Fireman Ed in the house! As the New York Jets’ Official Superfan®, I have an important responsibility. Who’s going to lead the famous “J-E-T-S” chant if I don’t do it? Some douchebag from Connecticut? I don’t think so. It’s my job to keep the crowd into the game, to inspire our players and to keep any fucking Giants fan out of our section. By force if necessary. This job ain’t easy. But I’m proud to do it. And I’ll be proud as hell to ride down the Canyon of Heroes on a float next to Shonn Greene and Plax. (I used to hate Plax, but now I love him!) Hey Woody — my ring size is 8.5.

Cleveland Browns: John “Big Dawg” Thompson

Dawg Pound up in here! Ladies and gentlefolk, welcome to history. 2011 shall be the year that the Mangenius guides the Cleveland Football Browns back where they belong: the playoffs. Ever since that dastardly Art Modell stole the OBs (original Browns) and whisked them away to that filthy coastal city, we as a city have been in a state of disrepair. But we’re finally back, and the Dawg Pound is back too.

WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!

Our lives haven’t been the same since the Browns were good last. We haven’t torn up a field since 1995. We haven’t knifed a visiting fan since 2003. We haven’t vomited on an opposing player since 2005. I haven’t had a DUI since 2009.

HERE WE GO BROWNIES!

We haven’t accidentally crowbarred ourselves in the head since 1998. We haven’t had our stomachs pumped since 2007. We haven’t eaten dog food on a dare since last December.

It’s time to bring back the good times. WOOF WOOF WOOF! The Canine-in-Chief has spoken.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Keith Kunzig, “Big Nasty”

GRRRRRRRRRR! Super Bowl bound, motherfuckers! This is the year that Jon Gruden takes us back to the championship. Chucky’s a little sparkplug and he’s rebuilt this team into a juggernaut. We’ve got studs lining up at defensive end and linebacker. This is a classic Gruden team: defense first and…

What?

He did?

So who’s the coach now? Who the fuck is that? And that name….is he black? Christ.

Well, that don’t matter. The fucking Bucs are still back with good ol’ reliable, Jeff Garcia, chucking bombs downfield and grittily winning games with his grit. Lick it up, Saints and Falcons fans…

What?

Are you fucking kidding me? And the QB’s black too?

Great.

Minnesota Vikings: This Guy

The Minnesota Vikings are going to rape and pillage their way to an NFC Norris Division Title like the Nordic gods that they are! We shall trample all who stand in the way of the mighty…Oh, who am I kidding? Our team has no hope. We’re going to finish in fourth place. The Vikings are probably leaving for Los Angeles within two years, the Metrodome is quite literally falling apart, and we sold our soul when we made the decision to cheer for Brett Favre. We won’t have our team, and we won’t have our souls. What’s left? The jobs in Coon Rapids are drying up. Our young people leave the state for warmer weather and sunnier economic outlooks. And now we won’t even have the weekly distraction of our Vikings to keep us sane. Life is hard, friends. Life is hard.

Chicago Bears: The Superfans

Da Bears!

Da Bears!

Ditka!

Bears!

HA HA HA HA HA! Do you guys remember that Saturday Night Live sketch with Chris Farley and Da Superfans? HA HA HA HA, that shit was so funny! Especially because of how true to life it was. Look at us! We’re fat! We have mustaches! We have funny accents! HA HA HA HA HA! The only thing funnier than that sketch is when we quote lines from it in real life every day! We’re the REAL Superfans! HA HA HA!

Ditka!

Heart attack!

Da Bears!

Sometimes we even make up our own jokes and don’t copy exactly. Like this one: Who would win in a fight between Ditka and Al Qaida? Ditka! HA HA HA HA HA!

Daaaaaaaa Bears!

But seriously, Jay Cutler is the fucking worst and we’re going to be terrible this year.

Green  Bay Packers: Larry the Cable Guy

Woo hoo! GIT ER DONE! What do you get when you cross an injun with a nigger? An alcoholic who tries to take back the 40 ouncer he just gave you! Woo hoo! Yeah, boy!

Some of ya’ll might be wondering why I’m a fan of the Pack, since I grew up in Nebraska and have other famous friends like Dan Marino and Warren Sapp. Well, it’s simple: Brett Favre. Brett Favre is to football what I am to comedy. Salt of the earth. Dirt farming. Blue collar. Real. America. Do y’all remember when Brett Favre played football right after his dad died? What a damn hero. Brett Fave and 9/11 firemen are my favorite American heroes.

Hey, did you know that I believe in gun control? It’s true. I got a gun, and I fuckin’ control it! Yee Haw! I don’t care who ya are, that’s funny right there. GIT ER DONE! GO PACK!

Oakland Raiders: This Dude

The Raiders are taking the whole fucking thing this year, baby. We’ve got new weapons on offense, a solid D, stability on the coaching staff. And us famously passionate Raiders fans are so ready for the new season. We’ve got the new GWAR album on repeat, we’re drinking all the Four Loko we hoarded when it was legal, we’re sniffing some righteous glue — and we’re going to be out there in full-throated support of the silver and black.

And we are going to brutally murder so many 49ers fans. So many.

San Francisco 49ers:These Guys.

Please don’t murder us.

Washington Redskins: Chief Zee

Wampum Redskins! Me takeum tomahawk and me scalp’em Cowboys! Hey-a Ho-a Hey-a Ho-a Hey-a Ho-A! Me sendum smoke signals to other Redskins fans to scalp’em Cowboys fans! Me no smoke’em peace pipe. Me…

Hey, who took my tomahawk?

Seriously, you guys…this isn’t funny. Who took my tomahawk? It was right here. What did it look like? A toy tomahawk, what do you think it looked like? It had a slender wooden handle with a rubber blade. Guys, stop messing around. I’m being serious. I really want my tomahawk back. This is so not cool. I turned my back for five seconds, so I know no one stole it. You guys are just screwing around with me. Will you please give it back? Please?

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1 Comment

Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

One response to “The Completely Biased 2011 NFL Preview

  1. Anonymous

    where’s the broncos hahaha they suck so bad they didn’t get on to the media.

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