Manny Being Incarcerated

Lovable retired steroids-taker and stoner icon Manny Ramirez was arrested in Florida this week following a domestic dispute with his wife.

What happened when this cuddly, wacky star was taken into custody? Luckily, we have the timeline.

10:30 p.m. – Broward County police arrive at the Ramirez home and take Manny into custody.

10:40 p.m. – In the back of the cop car, Manny asks to stop at the Arby’s drive-through. The two police officers chuckle. One of them says, “Manny being Manny!” They get him a Beef ‘n Cheddar and curly fries.

10:55 p.m. – They arrive at the police station, where Manny takes his mug shots and is fingerprinted. He takes the fingerprint ink and draws a Hitler mustache on himself. The sergeant on duty cracks up.

11:15 p.m. – Manny is taken to a holding cell. He immediately asks for some Cheetos.

11:20 p.m. – Manny urinates on the floor in a corner of the cell even though there’s a toilet five feet away. A guard walks by, sees what’s happening, and bemusedly shakes his head.

11:45 p.m. – Manny is taken for questioning. When asked what happened between him and his wife, Manny claims “I shrugged her and she hit her head.” When a detective asks what “shrugging” someone means, Manny shrugs. The room cracks up.

11:50 p.m. Manny does a parody of the interrogation scene in Basic Instinct.

11:55 p.m. – After further questioning, Manny admits that after “shrugging” his wife, he put a bar of soap into a sock, swung it around his head, and beat her until she was unconscious.

12:15 a.m. – Back in the holding cell, Manny bets some fellow inmates that he can eat 50 hard-boiled eggs in an hour. His prize for successfully doing so? Someone has to read him “Goodnight Moon” before bed. When he swallows the 50th egg, all of the other inmates share bewildered glances and guffaws.

12:40 a.m. – Manny brutally, bloodily rapes one of his cellmates. When he’s done, he holds up his victim’s lifeless body and does a puppet show with it. One guard watching from outside the bars snorts and says to another, “Whaddya gonna do?”


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