No matter what your feelings about him and the White Sox, Ozzie Guillen’s resignation marks the end of an era in Chicago sports. In a town snoozing through the likes of Lovie Smith and Mike Quade, Guillen added a shot of color (no pun intended) that hadn’t been seen since the Age of Ditka. He brought Chicago its first World Series in 88 years (ugh). And he proved that the lesson Amos n’ Andy taught us is still true… you can get away with the most offensive shit possible if you just do it with a thick accent and a smile.
Through one of our highly-placed moles, we at P.C.H.A. were able to obtain an audiotape of Ozzie’s farewell to the troops. Let’s take a listen.
“OK, guys, settle down. I better not be hearing sniffles back there… I never coach no maricons, and I no start now.
I bet the asshole media already told you, but much like my soul brother Charlie Sheen, I moving on. Except you won’t be getting a pretty boy like Ashton Kutcher to replace me, unless they hire Don Cooper over there. Hahahahaha. Just kidding. He fat and ugly. Like Ozzie Jr.
I kid, I kid. Señor Reinsdorf is letting me go down to Florida, which I think will be bery, bery good to me… hahahahaha… it’s funny because it’s true. No more April games that are as cold as a Jew’s soul. You know I joke, Señor Jerry. The fag media will say I stupid, that I have less than half the payroll and much smaller crowd. I say fuck you. It’s time for Ozzie to chill out. No more pillow-biting reporters caring what I do. No more crowds booing to disturb my naps. Plus, they let Oney be my hitting coach. Thank Jesus I have one non-retard for a son.
I’m proud that not only am I one of the Top Ten Venezuelan shortstops in White Sox history, but I bring home the World Series. No whiteys or darkies do that. It took a full-blooded Venezuelan to break that curse, like when we all rise up and kill Hugo Chavez. No matter what that asshole Sean Penn say… he win Oscar for playing fag, so who cares about him?
I want to thank you all for mostly not being maricons around me. That remind me of something. Señor Jerry, you owe me $1. Señor Jerry, he bet me that I couldn’t destroy Adam Dunn over there. We make the bet like the old bitches in Trading Places, same as Jay Mariotti. Jesus, I love Dan Ackroyd… genius, genius.
So while you all up in the cold with Asshole Kenny, I’ll be down with LeBron and Dwayne on South Beach. I’m taking my talents to South Beach… hahahahaha. I say I miss you all, but I don’t give shit. Just be careful… don’t let Big Don eat all the buffet. Just kidding, fatty. Adios.”