The iPhone 4S is Not Without its Problems

EXT. CONDO DEVELOPMENT – DAY

A happy APPLE CUSTOMER arrives home from purchasing his new iPhone 4S from the local Apple Store. He has a little spring in his step, and whistles a little tune. He realizes upon arrival, however, that he has locked himself out of his condo. He’s only distraught for a moment, because he then remembers that his new iPhone has a “virtual assistant, SIRI, who can help him out of such jams. He pulls out his phone and speaks into it.

APPLE CUSTOMER

Siri, I’m locked out. I need a locksmith.

SIRI

APPLE CUSTOMER

Wow, that was fast. Thanks, Siri! Um…that first one looks kind of weird. Call one of the other ones. Don’t call that first one.

SIRI

Calling the first listing.

APPLE CUSTOMER

No…wait…no…

SIRI

The locksmith will arrive in approximately ten minutes.

APPLE CUSTOMER

What? How did you even do that? I don’t even have to talk to them?

SIRI

The locksmith will arrive in approximately nine minutes.

The Apple Customer sits on the curb. Nine minutes elapse. The LOCKSMITH approaches.

LOCKSMITH

Oy! Someone call for a locksmith?

APPLE CUSTOMER

Oh, I was afraid of this. You’re the locksmith? But your name is spelled differently.

MORRISSEY

Oy. Fucking phone listings always leave out the second S. Leave off the last “s” for savings, amirite?

APPLE CUSTOMER

I forgot my keys. Can you help me get in?

MORRISSEY

Forgot your locksmith’s daughters, eh? Well, mate, depends on what you want to get in to. If you want in to ol’ Morrissey, that’s not gonna happen. Maybe you haven’t heard, but I’m asexual. A-fucking-sexual.

APPLE CUSTOMER

Oh. Uh. Cool. Actually I had heard that. Um…no, I just need to get into my condo.

MORRISSEY

Right. You don’t want to be out here after dark, in this neighborhood. Seen a lot of Chinks about.

Morrissey opens his lockpick set and gets to work on the door.

APPLE CUSTOMER

What did you just say?

MORRISSEY

Lot of Chinks. They’re a subspecies, you know. Can’t trust ’em.

APPLE CUSTOMER

Christ, that’s not cool, man. Whatever. Can you get me me in my house please?

MORRISSEY
(jiggles lock)

And we’re in. There you go, mate.  Wait a second…

APPLE CUSTOMER

What? What is it?

MORRISSEY

Do I…is that FLESH I smell from inside your flat?

APPLE CUSTOMER

What? Uh…no, I don’t think so.

MORRISSEY

I smell rotting animal flesh. My nose never lets me down.

APPLE CUSTOMER

Um…I think there are some turkey coldcuts in the fridge. But I try not to eat too much red meat, and…

MORRISSEY
(slams door)

MURDERER! MURDERER! Whyn’t you just walk on down to PUKEDONALD’S and buy some freshly killed meat? Or head over to MURDERBY’S and have your cousin for dinner!

APPLE CUSTOMER

Murderby’s? I don’t even know what that is. Is that supposed to be Appleby’s? Or Arby’s? Maybe Denny’s?

MORRISSEY

Fuck off, you cannibal twat. I’m done here. MEAT IS MURDER!

APPLE CUSTOMER

Can I just get into my house, please?

MORRISSEY

Over my dead body! Of course, I guess you’d be fine with that, since you already murder animals! Might as well gang up on me with your Chink friends!

APPLE CUSTOMER

Siri…call the police.

FADE OUT.

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Filed under Music Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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