The Button-Down Mind Of Rick Perry

Last week, Rick Perry showed that he’s got more than a killer Dubya impersonation… he’s got a full-fledged comedy mind. I’ll let CBS News explain:

At the same time Perry is making a serious economic proposal to help overcome his lackluster debate performances and evaporating poll numbers, he is playing with the birther card. In an interview with Parade magazine, Perry said he cannot know for certain whether Mr. Obama was born in the U.S.

“I don’t have a definitive answer, because he’s never seen my birth certificate,” Perry said. What his birth certificate has to do with the subject isn’t clear.

In an interview Tuesday with CNBC’s John Harwood, Perry told him that he is having fun with the Obama birther controversy.

“It’s a good issue to keep alive. You know, Donald [Trump] has got to have some fun. It’s fun to poke him a little bit and say “Hey, let’s see your grades and your birth certificate.” I don’t have a clue about where the president — and what this birth certificate says. But it’s also a great distraction. I’m not distracted by it,” Perry said.

Oh, that Ricky. You see, he wasn’t trying to nod to the crazies in the Republican Party while also claiming he is perfectly sane to the rest of us. He was just having a good ol’ fashioned Grand-Ole-Opry-style goof.

As much as I love Obama, he can be a bit of a downer at times, what with his policy proposals and attempts to find consensus. Maybe what the U.S. really needs from its President is a belly laugh.

Things That Rick Perry Finds Hilarious

Hee Haw, Green Acres, Petticoat Junction (in that order)

Convincing retarded people they’re on a carnival ride just before he has the switch pulled on the execution machine

Introducing himself as Heywood Jablome

Lighting bags of dog poop on Dubya’s porch, then telling him he smells like Hah-vahd after he stomps them out

Repeatedly mouthing “What?” and pointing to his ears when deaf people are talking to him

Saying “Ex-squeeze Me” when he brushes by college girls

Ordering 500 sausage pizzas to the White House (especially funny because Muslims don’t eat pork)

Making beeping sounds at intersections so blind people think it’s time to walk

Fletch Lives, Caddyshack II, Funny Farm (in that order… he thinks…)

Switching to the Yale game for a second while A&M is playing (only during commercials… otherwise, it’s not funny at all)

Telling Mexican waiters he’s going to deport their whole family if they don’t get a Margarita in him, like, pronto

Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy (maybe… or maybe it’s Engvall, Cable Guy, Foxworthy… but perhaps it’s Foxworthy, Engvall, Cable Guy… it’s really so hard for him to choose)

Burning money in front of homeless people

Anything Weird Al Yankovic has done, or will ever do (personally, he celebrates the man’s entire catalogue)

Hiding remote-controlled tape machines in the homes of women who’ve had abortions, and convincing them they’re being haunted by the ghost of their fetus

The Family Circus

Things That Rick Perry Definitely Doesn’t Find Funny

Black People (except Sinbad)

Brown People (except George Lopez)

Yellow People (except the diner owner on 2 Broke Girls)

Islam People (except when they talk all weird)

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? (being confused isn’t funny)

Fat chicks (for realsies)

Mitt Romney (or his fake Jesus)

People who fart in church, and then look around like they didn’t do it (ya may as well teabag the holy water in Jesus’ eyes, brohan)

Mohammad, Buddha, the Indian one with all the arms (in that order)

People who use Bible quotes to make it seem like Jesus wasn’t totally a capitalist (or that using up all of Earth’s resources wouldn’t be a totally rude dissing of the Big Guy’s gift)

Anybody who messes with Texas (or thinks about it… or “jokes” about it… seriously, it’s not fucking funny)


1 Comment

Filed under David Simon Cowell, Politics Has AIDS

One response to “The Button-Down Mind Of Rick Perry

  1. Pingback: Most Boring Primary Season Ever? | Pop Culture Has AIDS

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