On October 29, Joe Paterno coached Penn State to a win over Illinois, becoming the winningest football coach in NCAA Division I history. Ten days later, JoePa was fired for not realizing that child rape is illegal (of course, the timing of Jerry Sandusky’s arrest was totally coincidental… nobody in the D.A.’s office even watches football, they swear).
On November 15, Mike Krzyzewski coached Duke to a win over Michigan State, becoming the winningest basketball coach in NCAA Division I history. It might be time to start for Coach K to think about his past.
Now, we’re not saying that Coach K is buddies with a child rapist. But, then again, nobody could have looked at JoePa and thought that he paled around with Chester the Molester.
Any P.R. firm will tell you that the most important thing is to get in front of a scandal. So, perhaps Coach K should sit down with Barbara Walters and get some things off his chest:
He may have once, once, experimented with hair coloring products when he was younger.
One day in 1991, Coach K went to retrieve his family bible from his coaching office, when he heard rhythmic slapping sounds. Turning the corner into the shower, he saw Brian Davis with his hands against the wall, a naked Christian Laettner behind him. When they both turned smiling to Coach K, he got a half-chubby and ran away weeping, never mentioning it to anyone.
He gave Bobby Hurley some “pain pills” to “try” a few days before the car accident that ended his NBA career.
He gave Jay Williams the same pills a few days before the motorcycle accident that ended his NBA career. He had forgotten about Hurley, just like everyone else.
He sometimes thinks that his mentor Bob Knight might, just might, be a bit of a douchebag.
His real name is Mike Smith, but he didn’t think that was memorable enough.
He finds it hilarious to make clicking noises instead of saying Luol Deng’s name.
He sometimes thinks that his protege Jay Bilas might, just might, be a bit of a toolbox.
Even after all these years in Durham, he still thinks that grits taste like semen. Not that he knows what semen tastes like.
He knows what semen tastes like.