I Apologize to America on Behalf of the New York Jets

America: I am so fucking sorry.

I am merely a fan. I am not a player, coach or executive of the New York Jets. But I don’t see any of them stepping up this morning and doing what needs to be done, so I suppose it falls to me. My team owes this nation a gigantic apology. We must repent, as it were.

I know most of you are not Jets fans, yet I also know most of you were rooting for the Jets last night.

You wanted to see Tim Tebow sacked over and over again. You wanted to see the inane option offense stuffed. You wanted to see Darrelle Revis intercept Tebow several times. You wanted fumbles and strips. You wanted decapitation. Humiliation. Tears. You wanted concrete evidence that Tim Tebow is not a viable NFL quarterback. You wanted to see Tebowmania crushed once and for all by one of the league’s best defenses. Believe me, I did too.

That is not what happened.

Instead, the Jets’ ineptitude allowed the Broncos to win the game and even worse, allowed Tim Tebow to be the goddamned hero. The myth of Tebow lives on, and it’s the Jets’ fault. It should have ended last night, in front of the very same moronic fans who insisted that Tebow play over the far superior Kyle Orton. They should have had their faces rubbed in the excrement that is Tim Tebow’s ability.

And now the fallacy of Tebow’s legend survives and even grows. Because the Jets failed.

"Jesus hates Mexicans."

Now, we will have to hear about Tebow’s grit, his guts, his heart and his unwavering faith for weeks or months untold. We will have to hear about his leadership skills, and how even Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn have come to respect him. We will have to hear about his “unique” abilities. We will have to hear that HE JUST KNOWS HOW TO WIN. We will have to see highlights of him praying on the sidelines, and hear interviews of him thanking Jesus Christ for the strength to complete 40% of his passes.

The truth has not changed. Tim Tebow is a terrible quarterback who cannot throw the ball straight or hard. He is not fast enough to be a legitimate threat running the ball like Michael Vick. He is a dick. But because the Jets flopped so miserably, because Mark Sanchez threw a pick six and because the defense forgot how to play football for one fucking drive, the propaganda will spread like an evil virus. Tebow is the new global warming: every sane, rational person knows the truth, but the real believers refuse to see what’s right in front of their eyes.

I’m sorry, America. I truly arm. I feel your pain.


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Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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