I can’t breathe! I C-A-N-T B-R-E-A-T-H-E!
It’s now been over a week since I’ve had an original dose of Ms. Whitney Cummings. First, NBC decided that people wouldn’t want to watch Whitney on Thanksgiving. Come on! I love turkey and thinly veiled inter-family hatred as much as the next guy, but am I alone in thinking that America would happily delay their feast for a half-hour to get their laugh on? Didn’t think so!
And Monday night, CBS decided to put on a repeat of 2 Broke Girls. A repeat! Now, obviously, it was a classic ranking with the best of The Honeymooners or MASH (and I don’t even know what episode it was), but let me speak for all of us when I say too soon! T-O-O S-O-O-N!
Now, we already know that U.S. networks are run by trained monkeys. But the next time they decide they have something better than the comedy of Ms. Cummings to put on is the next time they open a mail bomb.
2 Broke Girls –
And Hoarder Culture – 11.43 million viewers
And the Really Petty Cash – 11.77 million viewers
And the Very Christmas Thanksgiving – 11.33 million viewers
I have to admit something. I watched the Week Eight episodes without taking notes. My love for P.C.H.A. is palpable (my recent productivity not withstanding), but sometimes I just need to take a warm bath in the mind of Ms. Cummings. It’s better than a day at a spa.
But, of course, I remember its awesomeness. The girls cleaned out the apartment of a hoarder… hilarious and topical. It turned out that Johnny has a girlfriend… boo! But he admits he’s falling for Max, so fuck that other bitch. And, the episode was directed by Nick Russo from Blossom… I know, right!
As was the next episode! Whoa! Tying 2 Broke Girls with a classic like Blossom can only be good for its longevity. Of course, however brilliant the Russo family was, they paled in comparison to our 2 Broke Girls (and their horse).
Guess what happened! No, guess! Johnny came by the diner and said that he just wanted to be friends. What a loser, right! What guy wouldn’t want to date a chunky diner waitress who would undoubtedly be sarcastic about his lovemaking ability? Not Johnny, because the next day he kissed Max. Who woulda thought? Not Johnny’s girlfriend, that anorexic whore. Fuck, I hate her so much! Thank God Caroline bought a painting of Max and Johnny kissing for $500 in cupcake money and made her kick a hole in it. That’ll show them! Oh, wait.
Finally, it was time for the first of what I know will be scores of Thanksgiving episodes. Walking immigrant stereotype Han wants to celebrate the holiday because he read about it on Wikipedia, so the crew opens up the diner to feed the homeless. Caroline is allowed to visit her father for the first time in prison, but he asks her not to come. Max and Caroline get jobs as elves in a department store so they can buy a new mixer. Caroline gets tights that somebody had her period in. It was just like Charlie Brown, just with slightly more cum and vibrator jokes.
Best Line: “The last time I was at the Gold Space Loft I went to a poetry slam and I wound up slamming a poet.”
Getting To Know You – 4.28 million viewers
Clarence! – 3.97 million viewers
If you missed Getting To Know You, you missed Whitney beating Alex in a game of basketball in one of their never-ending contests for domination. Hilarious and topical!
If you missed Clarence!, you missed Whitney finally getting on the animal train. It’s the only thing it was missing! When I tried to decide which of Ms. Cummings masterpieces I would choose if somebody put a gun to my head, I ended up with 2 Broke Girls 50.3% of the time, 0.2% because of the two extra episodes, 0.1% because of the horse. Now, I’m that much closer to choosing death.
When Alex and Whitney go to adopt the dog, Whitney is chagrined to find out that the form only has options for “single” and “married”. What about those brave people who are “committed” but don’t give into the tyranny of marriage? How dare they?!? Thankfully, Alex saves the moment by holding up a puppy and making a Lion King joke. Who else would have come up with that?
The head of the dog adoption agency was played by Lisa Lampanelli, who I’m sure is thankful to have a new career highlight. I just hope that Patrice O’Neal was conscious enough to watch this episode… although it probably killed him with regret that he will never be in an episode of Whitney. OMG, that is so sad!
Best Line: “You guys should rescue a dog. It’s like women… you want to get one who’s just grateful enough that she gets to be indoors.”