Obscure Christmas Special Breakdown: Full House

All month long, we’ll be dissecting obscure Tebowmas Christmas specials from our past to see what delights they may hold and what they may tell us about their times and ours.

Today, we’re discussing the Christmas episode from Full House‘s first season, aptly titled “Our Very First Christmas Episode.”

Special Christmas episodes of regular TV series should be very different from one-off animated specials, but they’re usually not. Ongoing plotlines in the series are dropped, lessons are learned, warmth is had, and It’s a Wonderful Life is referenced or aped. So how did Full House do their first time out?

Year: 1988

Synopsis: It’s Christmas Eve, and the entire Tanner clan is off to Colorado for the Tanner family reunion. Danny is videotaping the festivities for use on his morning show, so that he can write off the whole vacation. Stephanie is worried that Santa won’t be able to find them in Colorado, but Jesse, Joey and Danny assure them that Santa knows how to get there. But oh oh, y’all! Their flight runs into a blizzard and gets grounded at some random airport, where they’re stranded and forced to spend Christmas Eve and Day. Even worse, the airline lost their luggage with all their presents in it! Christmas is ruined! Until Uncle Jesse saves the day, that is, with an intense speech about the true meaning of Christmas. And then Santa shows up with all the presents anyway. Yay?

Number of Patented Full House Catchphrases: A disappointing two. Only “Have mercy!” and “How rude!” made holiday appearances.

Weird Santa Claus Contradiction: Early in the show, the writers seem to be telling the child-filled audience that Santa doesn’t exist. D.J. (Candace Cameron) tells Michelle (an Olson who is not Elizabeth) that she snooped around in the crawl space and found all their presents — meaning that the presents are not being brought by Santa. Danny and the guys bought them. Later on, Joey dresses up as Santa to try to trick and cheer up a depressed Stephanie — another clear indication that the real Santa ain’t real. But at the episode’s end, real Santa magically shows up at the airport to give them the presents (that were bought by Danny?). You can’t have your Santa cake and eat it too, Full House.

Wait a Minute, We’re Supposed to Believe that D.J. Fit in the Crawl Space? Yep. Strains credulity, for sure.

When the Left Behind Scenario Unfolds Per Kirk Cameron’s Prophecies, What Will Happen to Candace? She’ll be left behind. Too fat to fit in the spaceship to heaven.

Not Nice, Dude: Let me sleep. It’s Christmastime.

How Asexually are Jesse and Joey Presented: This asexually:

Classic Christmas Story Used as a Template: The Grinch. Just like the Whos down in Whoville, the Tanners learn to celebrate Christmas with no material goods. Then, just like the Whos down in Whoville, they get all their presents and shit back anyway.

How Do the Tanners Behave on Their Flight? Like fucking monsters. Their lack of respect for others is sickening. Danny has his giant camera out, videotaping the entire flight. Michelle pulls a guy’s toupee off (while perched on the top of his chair) and all the children keep harassing the man, who just wants to mind his own business. Yet the poor, beleaguered bastard is presented as the villain in the scenario. The Tanners also ask everyone on board to help sing Michelle to sleep. These characters are as hateful and boorish as the main foursome from Seinfeld, but with a total lack of self-awareness. And we’re supposed to believe they’re great people.

Any Mention of Danny’s Dead Wife on Their First Christmas Without Her? Nada. “How could you be so heartless?” — Kanye West.

The Special Summarized in a Quote: “What’s the matter with you people? The first Christmas was in a manger and they did OK. Christmas doesn’t have to happen in one certain place. It happens in our hearts.” — Uncle Jesse

Did Danny Go Overboard on the Coke Again?

And we wonder why Stephanie grew up to be a meth head…

MAJOR FULL HOUSE MILESTONE: Uncle Jesse and Becky share their first kiss under the mistletoe in the airport. (Becky just happened to be on the same flight as the Tanners, no duh.) Have mercy, indeed.

Moral/Lesson: Have faith! Santa will find you and good things will happen if you just believe.

How This Applies to Tim Tebow: Do you really have to ask?

Also!: This episode takes place in COLORADO!!! Coincidence? Methinks not.

Rating on a 1-10 Tebow Scale:     


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Filed under Television Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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