Bill Conlin’s Last Seduction: A One-Act Play


BILL CONLIN sits in a big recliner. He looks distracted and maudlin. His great-nephew, JOHNNY, plays with Legos on the floor.

JOHNNY: Thanks for baby-sitting me while my Mom finishes up her Christmas shopping, Uncle Bill.

BILL: Anytime, Johnny. Happy to do it. Come over here and sit on your Uncle Bill’s knee. I want to tell you a story.

JOHNNY: (appears reticent)

BILL: Now don’t you mind any of those things you may have heard about me. None of it is true, I can assure you.

JOHNNY: (goes and sits on Bill’s knee)

BILL: First of all, Johnny. It’s important that you know I’m going to beat these charges like Rocky.


BILL: You see, Johnny, if these accusers think they have evidence and facts on their side, they’ve got another thing coming. Because I have an insanely impressive pension, millions in the bank, and this sweet-ass condo in Florida. You know what all of that means? It’s means I’m a winner. And at the end of the day, that’s the only fact or statistic that matters. Winning and losing, and your Uncle Bill is a winner. Do you know who else is a winner, Johnny?


BILL: Jamie Moyer.

JOHNNY: Who’s that?

BILL: WHAT?? Future Hall of Famer Jamie Moyer! Have I taught you nothing? Here, put your hand right here while I talk about Jamie for a while.


BILL: Jamie Moyer has 273 career wins. That’s one more than Bob Feller. That’s more than Bob Gibson. That’s even more than the great, great, gutsy Jack Morris. That means that Moyer is an all-time great pitcher. Because just like life, baseball is about winning and losing. Maybe Jamie couldn’t throw the ball 100 miles per hour, but he knew how to win. When his guys scored 7 runs, Jamie knew to only give up six. That’s called Philadelphia grit, my boy.


BILL: Do you know about the two-hole, my boy?

JOHNNY: (tries to run away)

BILL: No, no, no, don’t go anywhere. I’m talking about the two-hole in the lineup. You know who’s a perfect fit in the two-hole?

JOHNNY: (starts crying)

BILL: Jimmy Rollins, that’s who!

JOHNNY: (settles down)

BILL: I’m sick of hearing all this BS from basement-dwelling nerds about on-base percentage. Who cares if Jimmy Rollins has a career OBP of .329? He can bunt! He can move the runners! He can go the other way! He’ll steal you a bag. And most importantly of all, he’s got heart. All-American heart. Philly heart. Grip a little tighter, Johnny. Like choking up on a baseball bat. Uncle Bill took his little blue pills today.

JOHNNY: (more tears; squirming)

BILL: Hey, relax, Johnny. Lupica never fussed like this in the green room after The Sports Reporters!


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Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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