Believe it or not, we here at Pop Culture Has Aids are slightly lazy, and we also like to take pleasure in others’ misfortune. And with a year full of plenty of potential pop culture disasters a-comin’, our noses are quivering with the scent of easy articles. So, in addition to frilly man-thongs and bottles of Malort, here’s what I’d like Santa to leave under my tree tomorrow.
Sports: Another Miami Heat Collapse
Sure, I could wish for a Tim Tebow Super Bowl, but that’s like wishing for the sun to rise in the East. So, I’ll go for something less preordained. It’s easy for the hateful Millennial Generation Team to talk themselves into last year as a success… they’ll probably even throw themselves a three-day party for winning the Eastern Conference. But another failure to go all the way will cause bitching, whining and consternation for the four actual Miami sports fans. The first Chris Bosh tears are my new sign of Spring.
Television: Make Aaron Sorkin’s The Newsroom Watchable
I thought about wishing for a third show from the unsurpassable Ms. Whitney Cummings, but I don’t want her to be spread too thin. So, instead, I’ll wish for the impossible… that Aaron Sorkin’s Mt.-Rushmore-level self importance not get in the way of his notable talent yet again. After the disaster of Studio 60, Sorkin rebuilt his career with non-fiction scripts like The Social Network and Moneyball. But, now he’s decided to go back for his third crack at a show about the workings of television, even though the previous two didn’t work (although, obviously, SportsNight was much better than the abortion that was Studio 60). Maybe slip some acid and pot into Sorkin’s stocking, Santa, and make him do Buddhist meditations on how he’s not the center of the universe.
Film: Make The Avengers Bomb
My heart wants to ask for the angelic Ryan Gosling to be in at least 40% of all movies released in 2012. But my head wants something to stop the era of the superhero movie in its tracks. The Dark Knight was too good to wish the third one ill, so the best hope is that the culmination of all the mediocre Marvel movies that have come out (5 over the past 4 years!) falls on its face. I’m sick of pretending “It wasn’t bad for a superhero movie” is a compliment. I’m sick of hearing about how entertaining the jump-the-shark Robert Downey Jr. is (last good movie: Zodiac – 2007). I’m sick of hearing about how talented Joss Whedon is (last good thing: still waiting). Let’s have all these annoyances go down in a Waterworld-level disaster.
Music: Let Rap Produce Its Sergeant Pepper
The close second is that The X-Factor’s third-place finisher Chris Rene’s first solo album sparks an overdue revival of the genius of Sugar Ray and Crazy Town. But, as I’ve belabored before, I feel like rap is in a potentially critical/interesting place. In its first era, rock music was all about ephemeral, but fun, bullshit… girls, drag races, holding hands, rocking around the clock. And then a change occurred, making the structure more interesting, both lyrically and musically. The albums that created/cemented/represented that change were Pet Sounds followed by Sergeant Pepper. Substitute bitches, ganja, bling, hot rides and My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, and rap may be at their Sgt. Pepper moment. Hopefully, other artists will step up to the challenge (to his credit, Drake tried, although his results were more like Their Satanic Majesties Request).
Politics: Let Newt Gingrich Be The Republican Nominee
One of my biggest Pop Culture regrets of all-time is that Mike Ditka rejected the entreaties of the Illinois Republican Party to replace Jack Ryan as their 2006 nominee for Senate. Thus, we were denied the Ditka/Barack Obama debates that stand with the rumored Michael Stipe/Kurt Cobain album as things I most wish were in my computer right now. While it won’t be the same, the impending Gingrich/Obama campaign fills me with similar tingles. With Mitt Romney, we’ll just get a long, steady dismantling of his 1% past; with Gingrich, anything is in play. Alien sightings, violent crying jags, running into a wall to knock himself out Situation-style. Not that the Republican Party is necessarily wrong – styles make fights, and when you don’t have anybody with the right style to beat the other guy, batshit crazy could be the best option. But, please Santa, let the Republican Party tap into their ’64 Goldwater, ’72 McGovern instincts and go for being right rather than winning. I just want to see the clips of Obama in the debates, trying to process how to respond to insane ramblings, that I was denied in ’06.