I was in a bar at lunch the other day, doing my thang. The bar had its TVs turned to various ESPN stations, but with the sound off. One of the TVs was showing that inane show where Skip Bayless and other talking heads scream at each other about things they don’t really disagree on (oh, that’s all of the shows now?). Luckily for me, ESPN is kind enough to write the highlights of the discussion on the screen, for those of us lacking the ability to hear Bayless’s golden-throated siren song.
So there it was, up on the screen:
Skip: “Tim Tebow would make a great SNL host, and would accept if offered.”
If there’s one thing I think we can all agree on regarding Tebow, it’s that he’s got a great sense of humor, and a great sense of humor about himself specifically.
First of all, is ESPN in general, and Bayless in particular, that fucking starved for topics of discussion? I know the NBA’s been in a lockout, football’s winding down, and ESPN has never heard of hockey, but Jesus fucking Christ, man. (sorry, Tim.) And even if we are going to accept that 80% of the network’s airtime will be devoted to Tebow for the forseeable future, is this really what it’s come to? A hypothetical debate about whether Tebow would make a good Saturday Night Live host? Excuse me while I sign up for primal scream therapy.
With apologies to Tara Ariano’s SNL sketch generator, let’s take Bayless at his word and assume that Tebow hosting is a thing that is going to happen because this is what normal people think about and discuss, and try to imagine what such a thing would look like.
Cold open: Some boring crap with Fred Armisen as Obama. It’s in Tebow’s contract that the Republican presidential candidates cannot be mocked on this episode. Also, Tebow loves seeing people in blackface.
Monologue: …and your host, Tiiiiimmmmm TEBOW!
“Hi, everybody! Thank you, thank you! Please…stop. I’m blushing! Wow! Wow! I can’t believe I’m actually here hosting Saturday Night Live. This is a dream come true. And you know, I wouldn’t be here with you tonight, I wouldn’t have had this opportunity, if my mother had taken the easy way out and terminated her pregnancy 24 years ago. Thanks, Mom. I wouldn’t be standing here today if it weren’t for your courage and your faith. Now, I agreed to host SNL on one condition….I asked Lorne if in place of a typical monologue song-and-dance, or taking questions from the audience, I could talk to you guys a little bit about someone who means a lot to me. Someone who I consider my best friend. Someone whose footprints in the sand…
Sketch #1: The Vogelchecks!
The Vogelchecks’ daughter, Vanessa Bayer, has a new boyfriend to to introduce to her family — and it’s NFL quarterback Tim Tebow! Tebow watches nonplussed as the Vogelchecks (Bayer, Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg) make out inappropriately with one another. Bayer says, “Tim, I’m so happy! most of boyfriends don’t understand the affection my family has for each other. I just knew you were different!” Tebow replies, “Hey, I’m cool with that, as long as you’re cool with this.” He starts dry-humping a be-robed Jesus (Jason Sudekis).
Sketch #2: The Prince Show!
Fred Armisen as Prince introduces his first guest — NFL quarterback Tim Tebow! Tebow tells Prince that he appreciates that he’s found the Lord and has put his more salacious songs behind him. Prince tells Tebow that he now roots for the Broncos instead of the Vikings. They proceed to have a serious conversation about the Epistle to the Colossians.
Digital Short: Andy Samberg performs an inane song-and-dance routine involving Tebowing in inappropriate places. Justin Timberlake is involved.
Musical Act: “Ladies and gentlemen…Lifehouse!”
Weekend Update: Seth Meyers impishly smirks. Garth and Kat perform. Jason Sudekis appears at The Devil, talking about how so many of the Broncos’ opponents have let him down, with the notable exception of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.
Finally, Stefon appears to raucous applause, but his bit is cut short when a confused, out-of-character Tebow appears on stage and beats him to a bloody pulp.
Sketch #3: A Jersey Shore spoof, featuring Bobby Moynihan as Snooki, and Tebow as new cast member Vito. Snooki and the rest of the cast try to show Vito how the gang parties, drinks, and makes out, but Vito just wants to call his mom and pray.
Sketh #4: Kristen Wiig introduces a new character, one who speaks in a funny voice and has exaggerated reactions to her situation.
Musical Act: “Once again…Lifehouse!”
Sketch #5: John Elway (Sudekis) appears on Live with Kelly Ripa (Nasim Pedrad) with special guest host Denzel Washington (Jay Pharoah). Elway must suppress his anger and frustration as every single question is about Tebow and his miraculous comeback wins. Kelly introduces Tebow as a special surprise for Elway, and Elway runs away screaming.
Sketch #6: Tim Tebow’s mother (Wiig) warns him as a little boy playing Pop Warner not to keep Tebowing or he’ll get stuck in that position forever. Sure enough, after the Broncos win the Super Bowl, he gets stuck in the classic Tebowing pose. We see a montage of Tebow trying to accomplish simple everyday tasks from that position, including eating, sleeping, watching TV, doing laundry, and sitting in church.
How’d I do, First Apostle?