I Can’t Let This Go

I’m sorry in advance.

I thought that once we inducted Rick Reilly into the Sportswriting Hall of Shame, we’d be done with him forever. It would be out of our systems. We would be cleansed. We could remember, and let go, like the Lost finale taught us to do.

But we have to — havetohavetohavetohavetohavetoHAVETO — talk about how fucking crazy insane his latest column on Jimmer Fredette is.

Back when we inducted Reilly, we noted his bizarre vendetta against Jimmer Fredette after the NCAA tournament:

Reilly has it in for Jimmer Fredette, for some unknown reason. Maybe he hates Mormons. Maybe he hates Jimmer personally. Maybe he just needed a column and invented something to hate. Who knows?

“So that’s the end of Jimmermania. Saw it for myself. Caught the closing act. Not impressed.”

So that’s how we left things. Since the new NBA season hadn’t even started when Riles filed (near-rhyme alert!) his latest column, I assume he still stands behind his Jimmer-is-the-anti-Tebow stance.

Back in March, I said that BYU hoops star Jimmer Fredette wouldn’t be a good NBA player. “In five years,” I wrote, “he’s got a really good chance to be your Provo area Isuzu dealer.” I was so sure that I said if Fredette started even one game his rookie season, I’d give five grand to his favorite charity. Well, Fredette’s a rookie now with the Sacramento Kings and he finally started a game.

His first game.

He scored 21 points on 7-for-11 shooting, with four assists. And now it looks like he has a chance to become the Tim Tebow of the NBA.

Oh. Fuck. Goddamnit, now I’ve gotta slip into this phone booth, ditch my hipster glasses, and change into this FJM-style evisceration outfit. Excuse me a moment.

OK, I’m back. Now, please allow me to point out that Reilly is writing a mea culpa article about Fredette based not only on one game, but on one PRE-SEASON game. The above stats he cites happened in a fucking exhibition game! How lost-in-the-Sahara desperate must Reilly be for column ideas that he’s willing to do a 180-swing on Fredette (in which he manages to be wrong both times) based on a rookie’s first exhibition game? Or did he plan this whole thing from the start? Did he know that by attacking Jimmer, he’d then be able to come around and see the light, hence redeeming both himself and Fredette? Is he that cunning? Is Fredette IN ON IT??

I said he wouldn’t be able to get off his shot off in the NBA. So far, in two preseason games, he’s averaged 16.5 points. He’s been pyrotechnic from the wider NBA 3-point arc (67 percent).

In two actual games that fucking count, Fredette is averaging 8 points on 39 percent shooting, with one made three-pointer total. This is a small and relatively meaningless sample size, but it’s a whole hell of a lot more meaningful that the pre-season.

I should’ve known Fredette would be fine in the NBA. This is a guy who can do anything, including a terrific jerk and a standing back flip, a trick taught to him by his petite blonde fiancee, Whitney Wonnacott. He’ll marry her on June 1 in Denver, once she’s done cheerleading for BYU and graduated in broadcast journalism.

“So excited about that,” says Fredette, who, like Tebow, has publicly stated he’s a virgin. “Getting married is the most important decision I’ve ever made.”

I think I see what’s happening here: Reilly is jealous that Skip Bayless has kind of claimed Tebow as his own personal false idol, so he needs to erect one of his own. This is starting to make sense.

Hey, if Reilly mails in every column he files, how does he ensure he mails it in extra over the holidays? Does he go light on his trademarked, award-winning puns, metaphors and Borscht Belt humor?

His handle is tighter than a coffee pot’s. His rebounding and defense still have more holes than a Danielle Steele novel…

Nope.

Also…wha?? Are coffee pots’ handles notoriously tight? I drink coffee most everyday, and I was not aware of this. Google is no help. Personally, I would have gone with “His handle is tighter than his petite blonde virgin cheerleader fiancee’s vagina.”

Does Fredette want kids?

“We’ll wait a few years,” he says.

If it’s a boy, might I suggest Jimmest?

/starts sweating

/shaking uncontrollably

(the sad thing is, that’s probably the funniest joke Fredette has ever heard)

Anyhow, things are starting to shimmer for The Jimmer.

I’m starting to get sick reading The Rick. I’m developing a tic reading The Rick.

2011: the year Rick Reilly wrote a column passing judgment on Jimmer Fredette’s NBA ability based on a pre-season game. Never forget.

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Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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