Ahh, the Iowa caucuses. That magical time of year when white people get to choose which brand of hate they prefer. A time when the Republican field narrows down to just the bare essentials. A time when 120,000 Middle Americans matter more than at any time except when KFC is test marketing their latest atrocity.
As the 2012 Republican primary race moves on, it’s also time to take stock of the remaining field. Often, we can get caught up too much in the visuals… Gingrich’s snarl, Perry’s smirk, Paul’s crazy eyes, Santorum’s haircut, Romney’s plastic smile, Huntsman’s … wait, what does Huntsman look like again? With six major candidates left, let’s see how well you know them.
1.) Priests, like all of us, are affected by culture… When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected. While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm.
2.) I think Barack Obama is a socialist. I think he cares for his country-don’t get me wrong about that-but I think he truly misunderstands what this country was based upon, the values that America was based upon, which was free enterprise and having the ability to risk your capital and having a chance to have a return on your investment.
3.) Normal people don’t just wake up in the morning and say I think it’d be a good idea to run for President of the United States.
4.) I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [my grandchildren are] my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.
5.) You [Obama] are a remarkable leader—and it has been a great honor getting to know you
6.) Back a hundred years ago, especially around Woodrow Wilson, what happened in this country is we took freedom and we chopped it into pieces.
7.) [The individual health insurance mandate] was seen as a conservative idea to say, you know what? People have a responsibility for caring for themselves if they can. We’ll help people who can’t care for themselves, but if you can care for yourself, you gotta take care of yourself and pay your own bills.
8.) This is one of the great tragedies of the Bush administration. The more successful they’ve been at intercepting and stopping bad guys, the less proof there is that we’re in danger…. It’s almost like they should every once in a while have allowed an attack to get through just to remind us.
9.) Our country’s founders cherished liberty, not democracy.
10.) Boy, it sure burns me to have a national holiday for that pro-communist philanderer, Martin Luther King. I voted against this outrage time and time again as a Congressman. What an infamy that Ronald Reagan approved it! We can thank him for our annual Hate Whitey Day.
11.) If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything… In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing.
12.) I come from a long line of saloon keepers and proselytizers, and I draw from both sides.
13.) I saw the young man over there with eggs Benedict, with hollandaise sauce. And I was going to suggest to you that you serve your eggs with hollandaise sauce in hubcaps. Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.
14.) There’s a lot of different scenarios. We’ve got a great union. There’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that.
15.) This was tried once before in America, when the liberty and happiness rights of the slaveholder were put over the life and liberty rights of the slave. But unlike abortion today, in most states even the slaveholder did not have unlimited right to kill his slave.
16.) Corporations are people, my friends.
17.) Even if an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol once it enters his body, he still makes a choice to drink. And, even if someone is attracted to a person of the same sex, he or she still makes a choice to engage in sexual activity with someone of the same gender.
18.) There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.