If you had told me before the season began that I would consider rooting for the New England Patriots in a playoff game, I would have likely conjured a complex, apocalyptic scenario involving an impending nuclear scenario, a supervirus, and Bill Belichick’s peculiar genius to explain how such a thing could happen.
As a Jets fan — and a human being with actual feelings — I despise the Patriots. I hate the team, their coach, the players, the owner, the fans (especially the fans), the stadium and the franchise. They’re loathsome.
Yet a few short weeks ago, I rooted for them to beat the Denver Broncos and manhandle Tim Tebow. Such is my newfound hatred for Tebow, his apologists and his disciples.
Then, the decision was easy: the Patriots had clinched the AFC East and had little to gain by winning. Now, it’s a much different story. They’re two games from the Super Bowl. So do I root for my football archnemesis, Tawmmy Brady and his merry band of scrappy Football Ecksteins, or do I root for a Broncos win that would cause various sports media outlets to spontaneously combust and allow Skip Bayless a fleeting moment of satisfaction?
Welcome to my nightmare.
Let’s break this down and make a rational decision:
Likelihood of Advancing Past this Round: The Patriots. It’s hard to imagine the Broncos beating the Ravens. Therefore, it’s EDGE: Timmy.
Likelihood of an Exciting Game in the Next Round: The Broncos/Ravens game would be a ugly, defensive blowout — the least entertaining type of game. EDGE: Tawmmy.
More Loathsome Human: A very tough call. Brady is evil personified, while I hate Tebow more for his deification for what he represents than for what he actually is. Still, he’s appeared in an antiabortion commercial, and he is a crazy fucking zealot. I think Tebow’s worse. EDGE: Tawmmy.
More Loathsome Fans: Denver fans have shown a demented, slavish devotion to Tebow even when he’s been horrible (he’s almost always been horrible. Conversely, Patriots fans are the worst people on the planet. Their entitlement, insecurity and stupidity know no bounds. EDGE: Timmy.
Worst Acolyte: Bill Simmons vs. Skip Bayless. As much as I think Billy’s turned heel, at least he’s done some worthwhile things in his life. EDGE: Tawmmy.
Most Representative Friday Night Lights Character: Brady is villainous J.D. McCoy come to life. Tebow is more like harmless, boring Luke Cafferty — only if half of Dillon built shrines to Luke in their backyard and prayed to him at night. EDGE: Timmy.
What the Winning Team’s Celebration Would Be Like: For the Broncos, a prayer circle and wide-eyed humility. For the Pats, Bill Belichick fucking a married a lady and Brady screaming at various assistant coaches who dared make eye contact with him during the game. Lesser of two evils? EDGE: Tawmmy.
Supporting Cast: Other than the awful Brady Quinn, most Broncos are anonymous and harmless. The Patriots are a goon squad of dbags and players who JUST KNOW HOW TO WIN BECAUSE OF THEIR GIGANTIC HEARTS AND ALSO THEIR WHITENESS. EDGE: Timmy.
Most Awful Thing About Each Player on YouTube:
EDGE: Tawmmy. Man in Motion was my favorite song in junior high. I feel raped.
So there we go. By a final, razor-thin margin of 5-4, the numbers dictate that I have to root for Brady, WELKAH and the Patriots. I feel unclean already.