Ranking The Potential Super Bowl Matchups (With Imagined Commentary By Peter King)

While New Orleans’ loss to San Francisco was certainly exciting, and the humiliation of the Green Bay Packers was satisfying to any right-thinking American, it leaves us with a much less compelling Championship Game weekend. While “any given sunday”, blah, blah, blah, the odds of us watching the Patriots march to another crown now seems fairly likely.

But, what is the best-case scenario for a compelling Super Bowl? And what would Peter King have to say about it? Let’s take a look.

1.) New England Patriots vs. New York Giants

A rematch of the 2008 classic. If New England wins, it bolsters the argument that 2008 was a fluke, and gives Brady/Belichek a fourth ring to tie Bradshaw/Noll and pass Montana/Walsh (Montana got a fourth ring with Seifert). If New York wins, it destroys the argument that 2008 was a fluke, and gives the Giants two titles in five years. And it gives Eli Manning one more ring than his evil brother Peyton.

Potential Peter King Analysis: “Sometimes, when she’s nestled in her 2,000-thread-count sheets, Gisele thinks she hears the screams of little Benjamin Rein, only to find it’s Tom who’s having another nightmare about the Helmet Catch. ‘It’s so unfair when greatness doesn’t win out,’ says the humble Mrs. Brady. ‘It’s like when they let Heidi Klum walk out last one year. I feel so helpless… all I can do is call in one of the concubines to mop off his sweat with hundred dollar bills.’ Wow… and I thought supermodels weren’t supposed to be down-to-earth.”

2.) Baltimore Ravens vs. San Francisco 49ers

The Harbowl. Ray Rice vs. Frank Gore. Ray Lewis vs. Patrick Willis. The Wire vs. Full House.

Potential Peter King Analysis: “Jack Harbaugh is a proud man. He’s a winner, all the way down to his seed. His two sons have just won the Conference Championships, and his daughter procreated with Final Four basketball coach Tom Crean. Jack graciously refuses my offers to cut and chew his steak, and won’t even hear of me holding him up so he doesn’t have to pee sitting down for the first time since the ’90s. Wow… talk about the Greatest Generation. Do you really think it’s a coincidence that he shares a birthday with New Jersey hero Bobby Hurley?”

3.) New England Patriots vs. San Francisco 49ers

Team of the ’00s vs. the Team of the ’80s. The two most overrated cities in America facing off.

Potential Peter King Analysis: “Alex Smith, who went number one in 2005, has now won two playoff games in seven seasons. Tom Brady, who won three Super Bowls in his first five years, was drafted number 199. Wow… what an underrated story.”

4.) Baltimore Ravens vs. New York Giants

A rematch of the worst Super Bowl of the century. The best battle if you’re looking for the Super Bowl champion to definitively not be the best team of the year.

Potential Peter King Analysis: “Don’t worry… we’ll get to Eli’s memories of Peyton holding him down and “raping” him (those Manning boys). But first, imagine this. In 2004, Eli Manning was drafted first by San Diego, but refused to play there. While negotiating for him, the Giants refused to include Osi Umenyiora, despite much pushing from Chargers G.M. A.J. Smith. If New York had given in, instead of anchoring the Giants defense in the Super Bowl, Umenyiora would have been a Charger, where he might have been traded to the Packers for Ryan Grant, and then potentially flipped to the Ravens for a third-round draft pick, where he’d be starting against the Giants instead. Wow.”


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Filed under David Simon Cowell, Sports Has AIDS

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