Curt Schilling Shilling For His Supper

Curt Schilling is an unmitigated monster. We know this. He’s entrenched on the unofficial Pop Culture Has AIDS Enemies List, and will be for as long as he’s unable to keep his yapper shut. (He’ll never be able to keep his yapper shut.)

Now, Schilling has sat down for a long interview with Tom Verducci to promote his forthcoming video game — and more importantly, himself. I wonder what Verducci had to do to score that elusive interview. Oh wait, I know — he just opened his apartment door to find Schilling pounding on it. (Schilling had stood on the street throwing rocks at Verducci’s window, but kept missing. He looked around in vain for an umpire to claim the rocks actually hit the window, but none were nearby.)

What’s new in the wonderful world of Curt Schilling’s irrepressible ego?

“I couldn’t love you more if you were my own reflection!”

To Curt Schilling, no endeavor is appealing unless “I have a chance to be better than anyone else in the world.”

Nothing sociopathic or narcissistic about that attitude at all.

“Most guys who don’t like me,” he said, “are either Democrats or Yankee fans. I’m not a bad guy.”

Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Next Tuesday the reality of Schilling being Schilling — that is, driven to be the best and unafraid to speak of it — enters a whole new arena with the release of Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning, the highly-awaited first role-playing action game from 38 Studios…

ha ha ha ha ha ha. Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

He wants Reckoning to debut near or better than the record opening of Modern Warfare 3, the latest installment in the well-established Call of Duty brand.

“I absolutely think it can be,” Schilling said. “People in the industry will laugh out loud at that. But I want it to be that big. I want it to even bigger so it’s not just a single game but an intellectual creation, like a Star Wars franchise.”

Definitely. Definitely something called “Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning” is going to be as big as Star Wars. Oh wait, did Schilling mean that he himself is going to be as big as Star Wars? That would make a lot more sense.

“It’s no different than making 50,000 Yankees fans shut up,” Schilling said.

Yep. It’s super different. Totally different. Not remotely the same. One thing involves pitching a baseball, which — unfortunately for us all — you happened to be born with a natural aptitude for. The other thing involves a highly technical and somewhat creative endeavor, managing teams of employees, marketing, ingratiating yourself with gamers, and a lot more. Other than that, exactly the same though.

“I think it will be a contender for game of the year. Five or six years ago this was viewed as a vanity project. But I’ve had a lifetime of Yankee fans’ insults to prepare me. I’ve got thick skin.”

Schilling seems unnaturally obsessed with Yankees fans, doesn’t he? Maybe PCHA has finally become the nagging thorn in his ample side we’ve always hoped to be. You know he Googles himself. And now the next time he does, he’ll find his head Photoshopped onto Jabba the Hutt’s body. When he sees that, do you think he’ll cry or masturbate? Both? (Also, Curt: it’s still viewed as a vanity project.)

“I saw guys that were the lead story on ESPN for being in the wrong place at the wrong time,” he said. “I was in my room playing MMO. One of reasons you read about me was my mouth.”

Yep. Both for the disgusting shit coming out of it and the disgusting shit you were cramming in it.

As luck would have it, PCHA has obtained an advance copy of Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning. It’s a third-person role-playing game, and the basic story and controls break down like this:

In an ancient Medieval realm, filled with magic, wonder and unspeakable dangers, a lone hero embarks on a treacherous quest. The blond, husky hero sets out into the wilderness. When you encounter knights working for the evil warlord, Obamacare Jeter Diet Plan, press A to shoot flames from your mouth. Press B to shoot flames from your mouth. Hold A and press X to shoot flames from your mouth. You are incapable of running no matter how many buttons you mash. Press L and Up together to distract enemies with a fake trickle of blood running down your lower leg.

You win the game by first defeating Obamacare and the appearing on the front page of the Amalur Kingdom-Times newspaper for 300 consecutive days.

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1 Comment

Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

One response to “Curt Schilling Shilling For His Supper

  1. Pingback: Curt Schilling Is A Welfare Case | Pop Culture Has AIDS

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