A Prayer for Tom Brady

Tom Brady’s lovely wife Giselle has sent an e-mail to the couples’ friends and family asking that they pray for Tom as the Super Bowl approaches.

I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday. I feel Tommy really needs our prayer, our support and love at this time.

On it, boss!

A Prayer for Tom Brady

From Pop Culture Has AIDS

Dear Lord,

I’m presuming you have some free time on your hands now that the Broncos have been eliminated from the playoffs. So I ask you — nay, I beg you, to devote some attention to another worthy quarterback: one Mr. Tom Brady, who you might be aware is playing in the Super Bowl this Sunday.

What’s that, Lord? You don’t know what a quarterback is? Or the Super Bowl? Or football? You’re too busy attending to starving children, genocide victims and the afflicted?

Oh, ha ha ha ha! Good one, Lord! I knew that didn’t sound like you!

Anyway, back to Tom.

You’re probably thinking that he doesn’t need another Super Bowl ring, and that maybe it’s someone else’s turn. But there are some things you didn’t know about him! Did you know that he’s so down to earth that he calls all his friends “babe”? Like “Hey, babe, good to see you, babe.” Normal and humble! Or that he’s so generous he gives all his teammates Uggs that he gets for free because he’s their pitchman even though he could probably afford way way nicer gifts because he has a bazillion dollars? A kind servant like that deserves his just reward.

So I pray to you, Lord, to look out for Tom this Sunday and take steps to ensure that he wins the Super Bowl that is so rightly his.

So please, good and righteous Master, definitely do NOT let Jason Pierre-Paul destroy all of Tom’s knee ligaments on a brutal late hit early in the first quarter. That would be the worst! And definitely, definitely, for sure do NOT let Tom throw his passes just a couple inches too high for his diminutive receivers and right into the hands of nearby Giants safeties. Also, please do not let Tom get into a screaming match with an assistant coach on the sidelines and start throwing punches in full view of cameras. You know how competitive he is!

Also, I know he’s not one of Us, but can you please give Julian Edelman the strength to play defensive back even though it’s not his natural position? The Genius Belichick says he can play cornerback, so please make him right. And if The Genius Belichick decides to make Brady the punter or Welkah the noseguard, please let them succeed too. For I know you speaketh through the mind of the Genius.

Please Lord, if you do as I ask, I shall honor thy name and they spirit with Uggs for all my friends and family! For you are forever my Shepherd.

I pray to thee, my Lord, protect Tom Brady on Sunday. And protect Tom Brady’s wife and children. And protect Tom Brady’s offensive line. And protect Tom Brady’s butlers. And protect Tom Brady’s public relations staff. And protect Tom Brady’s Uggs representatives. And protect Tom Brady’s pets and his children’s pets. Focus all your divine energy unto him just for the afternoon. I’m sure everyone else can get by on their own for a few hours. Priorities, Lord.

Amen.

Your faithful lamb,

The Dilemma

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