Your 2012 Grammys Live Blog

Grammys! GRAMMYS! Who else has is pumped? No one? Bah!

At Pop Culture Has AIDS, the Grammys are one of our major holidays. We track all year who’s in line for nominations. We get together the morning nominations are announced and see who wins our pool. And of course, we cover the shit out of the Grammys for you.

In 2010, in the nascent days of this humble blog, David Simon Cowell and I did our first live blog (yes, I know I’m slightly misusing the term. Deal.) of the telecast. Last year, with DSC setting up shop south of the equator, I got drunk and did a lonely half-blog.

This year, DSC and I are both joined by Musky Canadian Scent for some spicy Grammy threeway. Now, the AV Club recently argued that the Grammys are worth watching. I’m pretty sure we’re about to prove them wrong.

You ready, DSC? MCS? Let’s pour one out for Whitney, join in a tear-filled embrace while singing “I Will Always Love You,” then let’s fucking do this. How little will we respect the dead? How many fat jokes will we make about Adele? How excited will I get about Bruce Springsteen performing? Let’s find out!

Musky Canadian Scent: Welcome to the 54th Annual National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences Awards, or as they’re better known, the American Junos
The Dilemma: “Last year, Mick Jagger rocked the house and our world.”

A performance from Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band opens the show.

The Dilemma: Opening with Bruce….and an erection.
David Simon Cowell: poor clarence…bad year to die
The Dilemma: …and a dark empty spot on the left side of the stage.
The Dilemma: …and a full string section.
The Dilemma: This is Bruce’s best lead single in a long, long time.
The Dilemma: Since Dancing in the Dark?
David Simon Cowell: Fuck him for not doing a version of “I wanna dance with somebody who loves me”
The Dilemma: yet. Could be a medley.
David Simon Cowell: gosh, i love canadian humor
Musky Canadian Scent: I expected more from you.  Peru has made you soft.
David Simon Cowell: obviously, you didn’t see my whitney tweets
Musky Canadian Scent: Max looks more and more like Jerry Springer every year
The Dilemma: Paul McCartney was just shown clapping along to the Boss in the most effeminate way possible. That’s why he’s called The Roughneck Beatle.
Musky Canadian Scent: thank you Fergie for pointing out that that was the Boss

Host LL Cool J takes the stage to being the Whitney Houston memorializing

The Dilemma: “As always, Bruce Springsteen is speaking to our times.” — LL Cool J
Musky Canadian Scent: Whitney Houston counter (WHC):  1
The Dilemma: “at least for me, for me, the only thing that feels right is to begin with a prayer for our fallen sister…” — LL
Musky Canadian Scent: PRAYER
The Dilemma: odds on the first Whitney tribute singer?
The Dilemma: Not her hospitalized daughter.
David Simon Cowell: it’s jennifer hudson
The Dilemma: SPOILER
David Simon Cowell: she knows all about loss… hopefully kanye will come out for a guest rap
Musky Canadian Scent: the fetid corpse of Dionne Warwick?
The Dilemma: WH’s version of I Will Always Love You is one of the worst songs of all time.
Musky Canadian Scent: disagree
The Dilemma: Maybe cause of death = she got eaten by Adele?
Musky Canadian Scent: horribly overplayed and all, but she crushed that song
The Dilemma: she killed a nice song with show-offy vocals.
The Dilemma: She Mariah’d it.
The Dilemma: “Later tonight, we will remember you the best way we know how. With a song.” — LL
Musky Canadian Scent: WHC:  3
Musky Canadian Scent: I’ve set the over at 48.5 – more than years she was alive
David Simon Cowell: sorry… internet flaked for second
David Simon Cowell: I’m with The Dilemma… Dolly parton should have killed her years ago
The Dilemma: “sorry, Internet flaked for a second.” — Peru’s national motto
David Simon Cowell: true story
The Dilemma: Apparently LL is hosting, and here is boring as fuck and way over serious.
David Simon Cowell: he leaves it all on the table during csi:la
The Dilemma: “Sir OG Paul McCartney — my homey!”
The Dilemma: “My Around the Way Girl, Taylor Swift!”
Musky Canadian Scent: Adele:  “I can’t use public transport any more. Trains are always late, most state schools are shit, and I’ve gotta give you, like, four million quid – are you having a laugh? When I got my tax bill in from [the album] 19, I was ready to go and buy a gun and randomly open fire”
Musky Canadian Scent: overpriveledged cunt
The Dilemma: Quid is made up, right? That’s like some Harry Potter currency.?
Musky Canadian Scent: That’s money that only the super wealthy get to use
Musky Canadian Scent: like black AmEx cards

Bruno Mars appears on stage for the night’s second performance.

The Dilemma: From Bruce Springsteen to Bruno Mars.
The Dilemma: They’re going for a Morris Day and the Time vibe. And failing.
The Dilemma: This song is harmless enough, I suppose.
The Dilemma: Or maybe I’m just blinded by all the gold lame.
Musky Canadian Scent: WHC:  4
David Simon Cowell: bruno mars is literally the worst artist on earth
Musky Canadian Scent: after being called out, a lot of old rich recording execs had to stand up
Musky Canadian Scent: well played Bruno Mars
David Simon Cowell: that lazy day song is the death rattle of music
The Dilemma: Don’t know it.
The Dilemma: = what I say to almost every song tonight
Musky Canadian Scent: How is it that Charles Bradley makes this guy look like the decrepit old guy of the two?
The Dilemma: I am excited for at least five artists tonight to prove DSC hyperbolic about Bruno Mars.
Musky Canadian Scent: no.  The Black Eyed Peas still hold the title.
David Simon Cowell: touche
The Dilemma: I’m too good for the radio.
Musky Canadian Scent: A HISTORIC REUNION OF THE BEACH BOYS!
Musky Canadian Scent: current!
The Dilemma: Have mercy!
David Simon Cowell: 50th anniversary bitches

Bonnie Raitt and Alicia Keys perform a tribute duet to Etta James.

Musky Canadian Scent: WHC:  5
The Dilemma: This tribute is boring as fuck. Just like Etta James herself.
The Dilemma: BLASPHEMY
The Dilemma: How dare I?
David Simon Cowell: so they’re doing a tribute to etta james with the two worst examples of grammy overpraise ever
Musky Canadian Scent: I’m excited that we get to tribute Whitney again at the Oscars.  THANKS COSTNER!
The Dilemma: I don’t mind Alicia Keys. But Bonnie Raitt can get fucked.
Musky Canadian Scent: Oh yes
David Simon Cowell: alicia keys can suck MCS’s fucking dick
The Dilemma: I wouldn’t fuck Bonnie Raitt with MCS’s daughter’s dick.

Adele wins her first of many awards on the night.

Musky Canadian Scent: The Grammy’s are making me never want to listen to music ever again.
The Dilemma: yep
Musky Canadian Scent: FAT OVERPRIVELEDGED CUNT
The Dilemma: She has be to lifted up to the stage in one of those Gremlins chairs.
David Simon Cowell: you’re way too harsh on adele… she’s soulful
Musky Canadian Scent: Lil’ Wayne’s happy for her.
The Dilemma: Adele literally just said “I’m too tall.”
The Dilemma: Oh, Adele. You’re too big in one direction, but that’s not the one.
David Simon Cowell: she’s the fat man’s amy winehouse

Lady-beater Chris Brown takes the stage.

The Dilemma: omg. they are letting Chris Brown play.
Musky Canadian Scent: And now, to help Bobby in his time of sadness….Chris Brown!
The Dilemma: This feels….inappropriate.
David Simon Cowell: I saw Rhianna as a guest judge on the X Factor.. i no longer blame him
Musky Canadian Scent: I hope Rihanna’s watching.  Debt == paid.
The Dilemma: and not just because this is one of the worst pieces of music ever created by computer.
David Simon Cowell: so, a half hour in… bruno mars, chris brown and somebody, and one award to adele
The Dilemma: and bonnie raitt.
The Dilemma: America fuck yeah
The Dilemma: Chris Brown is doing the robot.
David Simon Cowell: is it too soon to point out that this a world/situation that Whitney Houston helped create?
Musky Canadian Scent: I’m glad they borrowed the stage from qbert for this
The Dilemma: Is it too early to point out that Whitney Houston fucking sucked?
David Simon Cowell: better or worse than madonna halftime?
The Dilemma: worrrrrse
David Simon Cowell: that’s the standard we need to use for each performance… i feel like that’s a good mediocre level for bad pop music
Musky Canadian Scent: There is no way this song wasn’t just popped out of some computer algorithm
The Dilemma: This is a fucking terrorist attack on our country.
The Dilemma: Ladies and gentlemen, a nominee for worst Grammys performance in history.
Musky Canadian Scent: He just wants us all to forgive and love.
The Dilemma: everyone clapping. no one cares that he beats up ladiez. Or that he’s awful at music
David Simon Cowell: hey, the combo’s worked for james taylor for decades

Fergie and Marc Anthony present the award for Best Rap Performance.

Musky Canadian Scent: Fergie and Marc Anthony:  hey LL, RESPECT.
The Dilemma: No Chet Haze?
David Simon Cowell: should be lupe… will be nicki minaj
The Dilemma: Kanye and Jay-Z win Chet Haze’s rightful award for “Otis.”
David Simon Cowell: fair enough… no show goes on tho
David Simon Cowell: and yes Dilemma, THAT’S A COMPLIMENT
David Simon Cowell: asshole
Musky Canadian Scent: Jay-Z and Kanye, who will go to any party thrown, do not show up.  Good for them.
The Dilemma: They’re not there. Jay-Z is busy taking care of his fake baby, and Kanye is no doubt boycotting for some perceived slight.

Reba McIntire introduces Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean.

The Dilemma: “No show in history has ever brought people together like this one.” — Reba McIntire
David Simon Cowell: kelly’s the fat man’s adele
Musky Canadian Scent: her hands are freakishly large
The Dilemma: We’ll always have Since U Been Gone.
Musky Canadian Scent: she has a tattoo of a puzzle piece on her shoulder.  ‘Cause she’s complicated.
Musky Canadian Scent: “Kelly Clarkson now has 9 tattoos. What are they all?

Mel
Best Answer – Chosen by Asker

1. Japanese Kanji Character of “Blessed” on the back of her neck.
2. Snowflake to symbolize her whole “my december” album behind her left hear i believe.
3. Cross on her right wrist.
4. Heart with a kite on her left wrist.
5. 4 leaf clover to represent her friends Jill and Kate, her sister and herself.
6. Daisy on her ankle to represent her friendship with her best friend Ashley
7. Outline of Texas on her hip
8. Moon behind her other ear

I’m not sure what the 9th one is. It could be “Love them More” that’s on her right wrist near her cross. I’m not sure if she considers them 2 seperate tattoos or one whole one, because she got them done so many years apart.”
Musky Canadian Scent: Yahoo! Answers
The Dilemma: awful as this song is, I have a soft spot for Kelly Clarkson.
The Dilemma: she’s what Adele wishes she were.
David Simon Cowell: yahoo answers is the best/worst site on the entire internet
Musky Canadian Scent: Since U Been Gone is a great song

The Foo Fighters perform

Musky Canadian Scent: Jack Black is introducing the Foo Fighters, in the most correct pairing of the night.
The Dilemma: annoy me, jack black. annoy me.
The Dilemma: Don’t worry, Jack Black did annoy me.
The Dilemma: It happened.
Musky Canadian Scent: Foo Fighters “looked into the eyes of the Grammys and managed to hold on to their indie cred.” – Jack Black
The Dilemma: The Foo Fighters are our most dull band.
The Dilemma: I have no feeling connected to them whatsoever.
David Simon Cowell: what about bruce springsteen?
The Dilemma: Bait: untaken.
Musky Canadian Scent: no, but the Max Weinberg Seven is the best.  – The Dilemma
David Simon Cowell: is he still on conan?  is conan still a show?   has conan killed his agent yet?
Musky Canadian Scent: The Foo Fighters are playing on a stage outside the arena
David Simon Cowell: jimmy kimmel should sue
Musky Canadian Scent: while they watch on big screens inside?  or is this a piss break?
The Dilemma: THE FOO FIGHTERS ARE TOO BIG TO BE CONTAINED BY YOUR SMALL VENUE
Musky Canadian Scent: CBS is the perfect station for this terrible awards show.
Musky Canadian Scent: This is the CBS of awards shows
David Simon Cowell: was somebody killed in a weird yet obvious way?
Musky Canadian Scent: A billion people watch it.  It’s meaningless, souless, worthless.  And they make a gazillion dollars off of it.
The Dilemma: and no one who watches it is under 55. except us.
David Simon Cowell: nobody outside the u.s. watches this shit
David Simon Cowell: the grammys, not cbs shows… although, those too

An odd Rihanna/Chris Martin solo/Coldplay medley happens to us.

The Dilemma: Rihanna: not looking her best with a Shakira-style wig.
The Dilemma: Where is Coldplay? What a fucking tease.
David Simon Cowell: what’s she playing?  how has she minimized her freakishly large forehead?
The Dilemma: something about love in a hopeless place.
The Dilemma: forehead is hidden safely away
David Simon Cowell: Rhianna is like a hot version of Darryl Strawberry from that Simpsons episode
Musky Canadian Scent: WHC:  6
David Simon Cowell: oh, rhianna’s not not mentioning whitney
The Dilemma: Worst of this group: Whitney, Mariah, Rihanna, Monica, Brandy, Aaliyah?
David Simon Cowell: not sure who monica is
The Dilemma: heathen
Musky Canadian Scent: Mariah
Musky Canadian Scent: has to be
David Simon Cowell: but of the rest, i’d go brandy
Musky Canadian Scent: 2nd is a better question
David Simon Cowell: mariah’s the third best
Musky Canadian Scent: that was my thought as well
The Dilemma: agree with MSC. But I’d put WH a close second.
David Simon Cowell: rhianna, whitney and mariah are the only i’ll even give any benefit of having any actual talent
Musky Canadian Scent: Chris Martin’s got black clothes on with random spray paint blotches and stupid meaningless symbols
The Dilemma: Best performances so far: 1) Springsteen, 2) ….
David Simon Cowell: my nominee for most shocking comment of the night
The Dilemma: oh just wait
Musky Canadian Scent: they’ve all been given glowsticks
David Simon Cowell: it’s sad that you don’t realize springsteen now belongs in this group he’s happily put himself in
The Dilemma: Bait: Untaken II: I Still Know What You Untook Last Summer
The Dilemma: and now all of Coldplay is here!
The Dilemma: Including….that one guy! And that other guy!
David Simon Cowell: i thought it was like trent reznor and nine inch nails
Musky Canadian Scent: BLACK LIGHT ATTACK!
The Dilemma: Coldplay is playing the two most downtempo songs in their catalog.
David Simon Cowell: let me guess… yellow and a song that sounds like yellow
The Dilemma: and no…two songs that sound like yellow, but are not.
Musky Canadian Scent: “This could be paradise.”  But sadly it is not.  Nope.
The Dilemma: It didn’t have to be like this, Coldplay. Your second album is good.
The Dilemma: I blame Gwyneth.
The Dilemma: (foreshadowing)
Musky Canadian Scent: She’d Giselle’d him.

Two New York Giants show up.

The Dilemma: Mario Manningham and Victor Cruz are here. (?)
The Dilemma: Please do a duet.
Musky Canadian Scent: From NCIS and the Superbowl-winning NY Giants
Musky Canadian Scent: Cruz is salsaing
Musky Canadian Scent: Best Rock Performance
The Dilemma: Victor Cruz is making me root for the Patriots in retrospect.
Musky Canadian Scent: “Every teardrop is a waterfall” – best rock performance nominee 2012
David Simon Cowell: should be decemberists… won’t be
The Dilemma: Should win: Decemberists. Will win: Mumford & Sons.
The Dilemma: Nope. Foo Fighters. I now have no emotion about this award.
Musky Canadian Scent: jesus.
Musky Canadian Scent: Dave Grohl has a Slayer t-shirt.  Bought at an Urban Outfitters or Target I’m’ sure.
David Simon Cowell: dave grohl is determined to prove kurt was right
The Dilemma: I can never hate Dave Grohl, but dude is wearing out his welcome.
The Dilemma: “We made this record in a garage with a tape machine and some microphones.” You’re so fucking indie, Dave.
Musky Canadian Scent: “you can totally do this in your garage.  And we had the best producer in the world, Butch Vig.”
David Simon Cowell: i’d much rather have this be dave grohl and keep nirvana pure than have kurt doing a version of all apolgies with mumford and son, which is what would have inevitably happened
Musky Canadian Scent: STANDING OVATION

Here come the reunited Beach Boys with some help.

David Simon Cowell: beach boys baby
The Dilemma: Starting with Maroon Five playing Surfer Girl.
The Dilemma: This is a holocaust.
David Simon Cowell: nothing but the best for the most overrated band in rock history
The Dilemma: Oh fuck you! BAIT: TAKEN
David Simon Cowell: they were a nice little pop band that came up with one good album
The Dilemma: Says the world’s biggest Bright Eyes fan.
David Simon Cowell: a greatest hits from conor kicks brian up and down the fucking street
The Dilemma: Now Foster the People shall butcher Wouldn’t It Be Nice.
Musky Canadian Scent: I give up.
Musky Canadian Scent: Fuck both of you.  WHITNEY DIED TO MISS THIS.
David Simon Cowell: no, she’s still alive and on twice a week
David Simon Cowell: is foster the people a thing
The Dilemma: It’s like they tried to find the most tone-deaf singers in rock to sing the Beach Boys’ harmonies.
David Simon Cowell: is it wrong that i kind of hate kevin love, who i should like by all objective criteria, just because he’s that beach boys douchebag’s nephew
The Dilemma: Beach Boys now with Good Vibrations.
David Simon Cowell: which i guess means he’s related to all them except stamos somehow
The Dilemma: And Mike Love and Brian Wilson look….not well.
David Simon Cowell: i hope mike love dies on stage
Musky Canadian Scent: Or he dies pinning down a thai boy and is found by the media.
The Dilemma: Mike Love is a cunt.
David Simon Cowell: i like brian wilson… mike love’s a hateful cunt
The Dilemma: Stamos: not there.
The Dilemma: “Mike Love is a GLORY BOY” — Gregg Easterbrook.
The Dilemma: He has not changed his shtick in 50 years.
Musky Canadian Scent: Mike Love has a lot of rings.
David Simon Cowell: i hope you mean fatal ringworms
Musky Canadian Scent: John Legend nods his head in approval
The Dilemma: Etta James is in hell though.
The Dilemma: Carl Wilson (the best Beach Boy all things considered) weeps from heaven, while cradling Whitney Houston’s head in his hands.
David Simon Cowell: naw… brian was the best part… he just wasn’t as good as the legend, unfortunately
The Dilemma: Brian’s the most talented, but overall as a person and musician, I take Carl.
David Simon Cowell: and dennis was the clear second
The Dilemma: Dennis’s solo stuff is pretty good
David Simon Cowell: carl was a fucking functionary
The Dilemma: how dare you.
David Simon Cowell: i just like that dennis was to blame for sharon tate’s death… bitch deserved it
The Dilemma: Mike Love’s creepy, effeminate wave to the crowd (a patented move) may be the least “rock” move of any frontman ever.
The Dilemma: “Coming up, unforgettable performances from Paul McCartney, Adele, Nicki Minaj…”
The Dilemma: I don’t think unforgettable means what you think it means.

Offstage awards are announced and Stevie Wonder introduces Paul McCartney.

Musky Canadian Scent: Steve Jobs gets a tribute award
The Dilemma: Acclaimed jazz engineer Rudy Van Gelder won an offstage award. I win the pool.
David Simon Cowell: THAT’S SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT… he wouldn’t know how to engineer an oboe solo if it sucked his cock
Musky Canadian Scent: WHC: 7, 8
The Dilemma: Stevie Wonder is talking to Whitney in heaven.
The Dilemma: Now playing harmonica to introduce Macca.
David Simon Cowell: who’s macca
David Simon Cowell: i can’t wait until the p.c.h.a. 2019 grammy chat… introducing WHO’S THAT?… and now WHO’S THAT?
The Dilemma: WHo wins a street fight: Macca or Mike Love?
David Simon Cowell: WHO IS MACCA?
The Dilemma: Paul McCartney.
David Simon Cowell: oh… i’ve heard ofhim
The Dilemma: Stay up to date on your rock press slang.
David Simon Cowell: sorry… deeply into my box of wine
David Simon Cowell: he’s the one with the wife with the retard body, right?
The Dilemma: He divorced Peg Leg Peggy.
The Dilemma: McCartney is singing some shitty jazz standard while sitting on a stool.
David Simon Cowell: at his age, you’ll take any stool you can get… zing
Musky Canadian Scent: this is terrible.  take it away from my screen and hearing
Musky Canadian Scent: STANDING OVATION

The hateful Chris Brown wins an award.

The Dilemma: Common and “one of the stars of Person of Interest” are now coming on stage to present.
The Dilemma: That’s how you know it’s a big deal.
The Dilemma: I made it through fifteen minutes of the pilot.
Musky Canadian Scent: El DeBarge is up for an award??!
The Dilemma: Best R&B Album Award
David Simon Cowell: i vote for him
Musky Canadian Scent: Chris Brown wins.
Musky Canadian Scent: hugs from Common
Musky Canadian Scent: for a lady-friend beater
Musky Canadian Scent: thanking god – first and foremost
The Dilemma: Please address the “haters” in your acceptance speech.
Musky Canadian Scent: for a lady-friend beater
Musky Canadian Scent: thanking god – first and foremost

The Civil Wars introduce Taylor Swift, who is dressed as a hobo for some reason?

The Dilemma: The Civil Wars are now here.
Musky Canadian Scent: who are the Civil Wars?
Musky Canadian Scent: thanking all of their opening acts
Musky Canadian Scent: “…that promising kid from Liverpool”
Musky Canadian Scent: I want them to die as painfully as possible
Musky Canadian Scent: a friend of “taylor”
Musky Canadian Scent: this guy will one day rape the corpse of Jack White for completion.
The Dilemma: This is the new worst thing I’ve ever heard.
Musky Canadian Scent: it’s been a real night of firsts
The Dilemma: it’s like baseball’s home run record in the ’90s: it gets shattered every five minutes
Musky Canadian Scent: she could be playing with herself with that tight crop shot
David Simon Cowell: from wikipedia: The Civil Wars are a group composed of singer-songwriters Joy Williams and John Paul White. The two met during a Nashville, Tennessee songwriting session in 2008. After recording a live performance album and a four song EP, their full length album, Barton Hollow, was released in 2011. The band won the Grammy Award for Best Country Duo/Group Performance at the 2012 ceremony.
The Dilemma: I don’t trust that info unless Yahoo! Answers verifies it.
The Dilemma: Taylor is singing now. Hey, have you guys heard she writes her own songs?
The Dilemma: I don’t trust that info unless Yahoo! Answers verifies it.
David Simon Cowell: In December 2010 the duo was featured in Paste Magazine’s “Best of What’s Next” column.
David Simon Cowell: so, they’re verified
Musky Canadian Scent: it’s the full country – banjo’s, wearing rags, jugs, etc.
The Dilemma: Taylor is rocking the banjo and trading off come-hither looks into the camera and shy, girlish smiles.
Musky Canadian Scent: they got lightin’ in the background!
The Dilemma: and it’s official: I hate Taylor Swift.
The Dilemma: “Washed up in Branson” was just a lyric.
The Dilemma: “Someday, I’ll be singing this at the Grammys/and all you’re ever gonna be is mean”
The Dilemma: Fuck the Grammys, can we get the Nobel Committee up in here?
Musky Canadian Scent: STANDING OVATION

PCHA favorite Gwyneth Paltrow introduces Adele.

The Dilemma: Coming up: Gwyneth introduces Adele. And Paul McCARTNEY FUCKING PERFORMS AGAINNNNN
Musky Canadian Scent: pick up your Grammy Winners CD at Target
David Simon Cowell: ummm. already have on itunes
The Dilemma: Here’s our Gwynnie!
The Dilemma: Fucking cunt.
The Dilemma: “ladies a gentlemen…a true artist….Adele!”
The Dilemma: I’m on the GOOP cleanse right now, and it is going GREAT!
Musky Canadian Scent: It’s just a horribly boring song.
The Dilemma: You can only eat celery juice and those gold shavings David Cross talked about in that one bit.
The Dilemma: We could have had it all, you guys.
Musky Canadian Scent: I do not want it all.
The Dilemma: That makes me feel feelings.
The Dilemma: Adele’s awkward, arhythmic dancing is strangely hypnotizing.
Musky Canadian Scent: STANDING OVATION
The Dilemma: No WH shootout from Adele?
David Simon Cowell: you have to choose… a three hour dinner followed by sex… gwyneth or adele
David Simon Cowell: i go with adele… i’d rather fuck gwyneth, but the conversation…
David Simon Cowell: the fake british accent… the look when i take butter for my bread
The Dilemma: adele for the dinner and sex.
Musky Canadian Scent: boy, they’re letting this one play…
David Simon Cowell: of course, i’d rather take kelly and stare at the tattoos behind her ears

A Glen Campbell tribute commences

The Dilemma: Now The Band Perry is performing in a tribute to Glen Campbell.  I think I remember asking who The Band Perry was at last year’s Grammys. Still haven’t figured it out.
David Simon Cowell: i couldn’t name one glen campbell song with a gun to my head
The Dilemma: Glen Campbell himself is now on stage. Be still our hearts.
The Dilemma: Think he’ll forget the lyrics?
David Simon Cowell: just the name of bands these days is pretty much irrefutable proof rock is not coming back from the dead
The Dilemma: I can name Rhinestone Cowboy, but wouldn’t know it if I heard it.
The Dilemma: Oh, this is it.
David Simon Cowell: oh, i know that one
David Simon Cowell: i’m a rhinestone cowwwwboy
David Simon Cowell: i’ve always thought of him as the drunk man’s glenn frey
The Dilemma: Or the hick version of Jimmy Webb.
David Simon Cowell: or the country version of nick nolte
The Dilemma: but way more cognizant of his surroundings.
Musky Canadian Scent: STANDING OVATION

Carrie Underwood and Tony Bennett duet.

The Dilemma: “To me, he’s the best new artist of all time because every year he manages to reach a whole new generation of fans.” — Carrie Underwood about Tony Bennett. And provably not true on several levels.
Musky Canadian Scent: I only know her because she’s married to a hockey player.
The Dilemma: Bennett neither sounds nor looks good. Or as I like to call it, he’s “pulling an Adele.”
Musky Canadian Scent: they get to hand an award to best new artist next.
Musky Canadian Scent: Tony ain’t care.
The Dilemma: Who would you rather fuck of Carrie Underwood and Tony Bennett?
The Dilemma: It’s close. That’s all I’ll say.
David Simon Cowell: carrie underwood is hot
Musky Canadian Scent: he’s got to be incontinent
The Dilemma: best new artist: The Band Perry. Bon Iver. J Cole. Nicki Minaj. Skrillex.
Musky Canadian Scent: there’s a thing called Skrillex
The Dilemma: A confusing time.
Musky Canadian Scent: Bon Iver
David Simon Cowell: it’s gonna be skillrex
David Simon Cowell: he’s already won two grammys tonight
Musky Canadian Scent: nope Bon Iver
The Dilemma: “It’s hard to accept this award because when I started to make songs, I did  it for the inherent reward of making songs.” — bon iver.
Musky Canadian Scent: This is the most retarded speech I’ve ever heard
The Dilemma: HOLY SHIT THAT IS SOME PRETENTIOUS FUCKING BULLSHIT
David Simon Cowell: it’s hard to accept this award because my first album came out five years ago
Musky Canadian Scent: played off
Musky Canadian Scent: first of the night
David Simon Cowell: wait, the darling of npr and pitchfork is pretentious… no way
The Dilemma: pretentious and faux-humble. bon iver can suck a dick.

The president of the recording academy comes out and gives a speech that manages to be both offensive and boring.

Musky Canadian Scent: he has a grammy pin WHERE AN AMERICAN FLAG SHOULD BE, AL QAEDA
The Dilemma: “we take care of our own is a clarion call that represents what we do here at the Recording Academy.” — the president of the grammys massively misinterprets the new Springsteen song.
David Simon Cowell: no, i’m pretty sure that’s what he was thinking when he wrote it
Musky Canadian Scent: cut to Dave Navarro FOR HIS THOUGHTS
David Simon Cowell: so, there’s dead air
Musky Canadian Scent: commentary on today’s changing digital world
The Dilemma: coded speech about how all music downloaders should go to jail
Musky Canadian Scent: “Let’s work together to ensure the music keeps playing for generations to come.”
Musky Canadian Scent: fuckstick

The long-awaited dead people montage

The Dilemma: WHITNEY TRIBUTE IS FORTHCOMING
Musky Canadian Scent: I SEE DEAD PEOPLE
Musky Canadian Scent: WHC:  9
The Dilemma: in memorium montage.
Musky Canadian Scent: Amy Winehouse …. DEAD!
Musky Canadian Scent: Steve Jobs … DEAD!
Musky Canadian Scent: Heavy d … DEAD!
Musky Canadian Scent: Nate Dog … DEAD!
Musky Canadian Scent: Dobie Gray … DEAD!
Musky Canadian Scent: wife of roy orbison … DEAD!
David Simon Cowell: who’s dobie gray
The Dilemma: macy gray’s dad
David Simon Cowell: cut to jennifer hudson singing i will always love you
Musky Canadian Scent: Gerard Smith … DEAD!
David Simon Cowell: jerry leiber must be so proud to be next to talents like heavy d and nick ashford
Musky Canadian Scent: the trumpeter on Penny Lane … DEAD!
The Dilemma: Clarence gets the penultimate spot.
Musky Canadian Scent: Clarence … DEAD.  sad face.
David Simon Cowell: who’s clarence
Musky Canadian Scent: I will always love you.  Now.  Happening Now.
David Simon Cowell: oh, the guy from that jackson browne song
The Dilemma: Clarence Darrow. Read a fucking book.
Musky Canadian Scent: WHC: 9 (1 reference)
The Dilemma: I think Adele ate all of Jennifer Hudson’s old body weight.
Musky Canadian Scent: I might have gone a bit high with the WHC over.  There’s still 4 hours left though, so…
Musky Canadian Scent: put a price on the head of the doctor who saved Adele’s voice
The Dilemma: Too late. She ate him.

The Dilemma: here comes a dance music medley with David Guetta and Deadmaus and Chris Brown
The Dilemma: Chris Brown is dressed as Run or DMC.
The Dilemma: David Guetta looks like the whitest person on earth.
Musky Canadian Scent: David Guetta looks like the worst Wilson brother.
The Dilemma: Foo Fighters and Chris Brown both performing a second time. Because…why?
The Dilemma: Best performances so far at the 18-hour mark: 1) Bruce Springsteen. 2) ….., 3) …….
Musky Canadian Scent: what happened to the 80s when someone would bring wrestlers?

Drake introduces Nicki Minaj

Musky Canadian Scent: what is happening right now?
Musky Canadian Scent: They have video interludes?
The Dilemma: This Nicki Minaj thing is an abomination.
Musky Canadian Scent: With a priest?
Musky Canadian Scent: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?
Musky Canadian Scent: this is truly terrible
Musky Canadian Scent: what a failure
The Dilemma: The most shocking thing about this performance is how bad the lip-syncing is.
The Dilemma: This is all the worst parts of Madonna and all the worst parts of Lil Kim together at last.
Musky Canadian Scent: Oh Come All Ye Faithful in the middle of the song?
Musky Canadian Scent: Jesus
The Dilemma: Times I have muttered “oh my god” to myself during this performance: >3
Musky Canadian Scent: Music is broken.

Adele wins more awards and Paul McCartney leads a terrible old-white-man jam to close the show

Musky Canadian Scent: “Fank you”
Musky Canadian Scent: and everyone will be talking about the bit of snot tomorrow. she’s just such a real person, you know?
The Dilemma: This has actually been really Whitney-lite, compared to what I expected?
The Dilemma: Macca is Backa.
Musky Canadian Scent: my homie, Paul McCartney
The Dilemma: McCartney’s mannerisms are actually a lot fucking like Mike Love’s.

2 Comments

Filed under David Simon Cowell, Music Has AIDS, The Dilemma

2 responses to “Your 2012 Grammys Live Blog

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  2. Pingback: 2 Idiots Discuss: The 2012 Oscars | Pop Culture Has AIDS

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