Foster Friess Gives Birth Control Advice

We all know that the Rick Santorum campaign is the most entertaining crazy train running these days. The combination of Santorum’s legitimate insanity, his inability to connect in an any with with normal human beings, and the Evangelists’ desperation to latch onto anything not from Massachusetts is a gift that rewards us daily.

The latest song-and-dance? Billionaire Santorum donor Foster Friess gave his own unique take on the contraception issue to MSNBC:

And this contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s [so] inexpensive. Back in my day, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.

Holy shit, is Jerry Jones now involved with the Santorum campaign? Regardless, Friess stopped by the PCHA office complex earlier today to give some more advice to ladiez who might not be wanting to procreate at the present time.

Foster Friess’s top five birth control tips for the modern woman:

1) If you do it on a Sunday, you can’t get preggers. That’s the Lord’s day of rest, so he’s not making sure that the gentlemen’s little guys are finding the lady’s little lady, if ya know what I mean. All babies are miracles, so if the Big Guy is on vaca, ain’t no conception happening.

2) If you rub baby oil on your lady parts: no baby. The baby oil cancels out the baby. They’re like, mutually exclusive or some shit.

3) Eat a big ol’ heaping dinner of pork chops, pot roast and cheese grits. See, the real reason the Jews can’t eat pig, or mix meat and dairy, is that the combination makes it so no Jew babies can get born. And since the Jews want to take over the world, they need to keep repopulating their army.

4) After you do your dirty business, consult the Farmers Almanac. If it’s supposed to be a hot summer that year, then you have to go horse-back riding. If it’s gonna be a mild summer, then you have to rub yam grease on your tummy.

5) Remember: God can’t see what goes in the back door.


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Filed under Politics Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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