When news came from on high (Steven Spielbeg’s desk) last week that a sequel is in the works for Spielberg’s little-loved The Adventures of Tintin, one question became immediately crucial: will there be a sequel to Spielberg’s other little loved December film?
I speak…of course…of WAR HORSE.
And damn right there will be a sequel.
After the jump, we contribute our best ideas for the inevitable WAR HORSE follow-up. Competent PhotoShopping — a rarity on this site — courtesy of @Arriaga_II
5. WAR HORSE 2: The PTSD Years
After Albie moves heaven and earth to find and save WAR HORSE, he’s left holding the bill when British health care circa 1920 proves incapable of treating a horse with severe post-traumatic stress. Albert, his parents and the goose spend their remaining years watching helplessly as WAR HORSE pisses himself, digs up crops before harvest, and feels phantom pain in his hind hooves. Things come to a head when WAR HORSE, suffering from a prolonged hallucination, kills Emily Watson while neighing nonsensically that she’s an agent of the Kaiser.
4. WAR HORSE 2: WAR NOBBS
What happens when you realize that your stud stallion…is all filly?
3.WAR HORSE Redux
Not a sequel so much as a re-release, WAR HORSE Redux restores the original film to its full four-hours-plus running time, including a bevy of scenes originally cut by interfering studio heads. Most deliciously, the new version includes the infamous French Plantation scene, in which WAR HORSE enters into a lengthy discussion with some Frenchmen about the merits of the war. WAR HORSE urgently neighs to signal his position that the cause is not worth the cost of so much life, but the French have difficulty understanding.
2. WAR HORSE 2: Cut. It. Out.
When WAR HORSE rises to fame in the wake of his heroics, the headlines all scream, “Joey Wins War for Allies!” and “Joey Saves the Day!” Well, America’s most famous Joey doesn’t take too kindly to a new Joey usurping his fame and power.
1. WAR HORSE 2: Atlantic City
After the traumatic events of the war, our hero WAR HORSE meets up with another battle-scarred veteran (literally and figuratively). Together, they embark on the adventure of a lifetime: selling booze in a place where booze is illegal, and traveling by horse in a time when the car is taking over. They offer each other comfort when the nights get darkest, and the voices in their heads won’t cease.