We do it every year, and yet we don’t really know why. Not only do we subject ourselves to the night of “entertainment” known as the Oscars, but we record our thoughts for posterity. We probably do it for our children and grandchildren, passing down the tale of the Oscar hosts’ genocide against humor in the hopes that they never forget.
This time, we also brought along The Musky Canadian to bear witness.
David Simon Cowell: live, from the otra cosa cafe in beautiful downtown huanchaco, is D.S.C. getting drunk and typing
I have it in spanish on tnt latino tho
The Dilemma: What are you looking forward to more? Crystal’s song, or his montage of placing himself in the movies?
I can’t pick
D.S.C.: Streep’s surprised speech
The awards begin with Morgan Freeman introducing the inevitable Billy Crystal “put himself into the movies” bit.
T.D.: Morgan Freeman introducing Billy Crystal is like Babe Ruth introducing Rob Schneider.
“I dont have enough jokes”
Musky Canadian: Jonah Hill is a SERIOUS ACTOR NOW.
D.S.C.: this is so original… i missed billy so much
T.D.: I miss James Franco.
D.S.C.: sammy davis jr…. way to confuse all the beiber fans
three minutes to shit pie
T.D.: I TOLD YOU CRYSTAL WOULD EAT SHIT PIE
D.S.C.: at least we don’t have to worry about it
T.D.: If this entire Oscars is in blackface, I apologize for thinking it would suck.
D.S.C.: he’s going to do fernando too
M.C.: Push the 3D hard boys!
D.S.C.: we have a new definition for mailing it in
Crystal follows that up with his inevitable “song about the Best Picture nominees” featuring our favorite little ditty from Moneyball
T.D.: I didn’t think it was possible, but Billy Crystal has ruined Billy Beane’s Fake Daughter’s amazing song for me.
M.C.: I’d rather watch an All-Star game.
T.D.: What’s worse? Clooney’s fake smile or Scorsese’s fake laugh?
I love how he just did one five-second line on Extremly Loud to avoid criticism that he’s making fun of 9/11
D.S.C.: yeah… what the fuck is up with that? how will i know which conference is better?
T.D.: I miss James Franco so so much.
D.S.C.: i miss anne hathaway at this point
Hugo comes out of the gate with a cinematography win, followed by a string of technical awards.
T.D.: Early signs of Hugo upsets?
D.S.C.: i’m feeling good about my predictions
T.D.: As much as I hated Hugo — and dear God did I hate it — I’d be thrilled to see it beat The Artist.
David Simon Cowell’s opinions about Scorsese films should be discounted as quickly as my opinions on Springsteen albums.
D.S.C.: no, scorsese is still making good movies
T.D.: Meryl Streep’s hottest age?
D.S.C.: like every woman’s 21
but only because 11 is considered “wrong”
T.D.: ha ha ha, I was going to say 11
HD is not billy’s friend
M.C.: Let’s kick them while they’re down!
T.D.: videotape is not Billy’s friend.
D.S.C.: laughter is not billy’s friend
T.D.: Billy Crystal’s wife is grody
D.S.C.: is that the lady from the help on the bench with forrest gump
and now, an extended commercial for movies
we’re fucking idiots for watching this shit
T.D.: we are having a serious discussion about whether J Lo is showing nipple
I vote yes
D.S.C.: if anonymous doesn’t win, i’m burning this town fucking down
T.D.: ALBERT NOBBS better fucking win this.
D.S.C.: can they make a dress that makes j lo’s tits look real… that’s worth an oscar
In between knocking off the technical awards, they play the first of several videos of super-rich actors glorifying their business.
M.C.: What is happening right now?
D.S.C.: this is literally the douchiest thing ever
T.D.: Is Andy Serkis being Hillary Swank right now?
Because he’s being way too masculine.
tone it down, Serkis.
D.S.C.: yup… tom cruise has definitely entered the plastic surgery phase
M.C.: Babs to Sandler baton pass
Well played Oscars!
D.S.C.: I remember watching the Oscars and swearing off movies forever
The #Oscars fucking suck.
T.D.: If Moneyball is the first baseball movie to win best picture, I quit baseball, movies, and life.
D.S.C.: the all-star game – 88-69 at the half
D.S.C.: heading for the rare 176-138 game
T.D.: Are you for real?
You are actually quoting — and tracking — a fucking all-star game?
I know you’re in the bag for the NBA, but you have got to be fucking kidding me.
M.C.: Are they just letting everyone take free throws?
T.D.: I am a giant baseball fan, and I don’t give a fuck about the MLB all-star game.
D.S.C.: nba all-star is fun… it’s what would happen if there weren’t white people in charge of the nba
T.D.: I wish I was watching Luck right now.
I actually heard WAR HORSE was so pissed off he wasn’t nominated, he is guest starring in tonight’s Luck.
Finally, 45 minutes in, we get to an acting award… Best Supporting Actress
T.D.: “Melissa McCarthy looks like a Renaissance beast.” — Mrs. Dilemma
D.S.C.: i can’t wait for horatio sanz’s nomination next year
conor oberst was in a movie?
T.D.: i would bet my life savings Octavia Spencer wins.
D.S.C.: how would you make back all that debt?
T.D.: $10 at stake…
M.C.: NOT RAYCESS
D.S.C.: is she drunk?
her seat is so happy right now
T.D.: Octavia, I know a great orthodontist.
M.C.: Never thank Alabama. Ever.
T.D.: She thanked the state of Alabama?
She did not learn the lesson of The Help.
I hate her. So much.
Die in a fire.
D.S.C.: 70 years ago, a black woman had to play a servile domestic to win an Oscar
now look at where we’ve gotten
T.D.: I read today that Bruce Vilanch’s net worth is $8 million.
you just ruined my night
M.C.: That really is horrible to know.
T.D.: and imagine how much he spends a food a month
D.S.C.: but, his t-shirt collection has to be 7.5 of that
M.C.: You’d think that would make it easier to let him go.
T.D.: If he weighed a normal amount, his net worth would be $50 million
D.S.C.: he probably is making 500k tonight
T.D.: /hangs self
D.S.C.: anybody trump clooney in the “trade life” dept.?
D.S.C.: COME ON
M.C.: Michelle Williams
Serkis’s life is EVERYONE’S life.
D.S.C.: there isn’t even anything fun to blog about this turgid shit fest
i miss the grammys… when i couldn’t watch
M.C.: We should not post this as it’s just a record of boredom. This is horrible.
T.D.: OH IT IS GETTING POSTED
D.S.C.: if it wasn’t for brett ratner at least there’d be something fucking interesting going on
thank god for the rush hour trilogy… i can never truly hate him
i havent been this bored since the The Dictator Oscar controversy
The ghosts of Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr. perform some horrible banter.
T.D.: Gwyneth’s face is horrifying.
D.S.C.: can we all agree robert downey jr. isn’t good anymore?
D.S.C.: COME ON
he was good once… as was gwenyth
T.D.: OK SHUT YR FACE
I was kidding about Downey, but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ABOUT GWYNNIE?
she was never good. She’s a monster. She’s a cunt.
D.S.C.: she was fine when she was young
M.C.: Royal Tennenbaums
D.S.C.: thank you M.C.
T.D.: even adam sandler has made one good movie.
D.S.C.: sandler has at least four
T.D.: at least four?
M.C.: what is the 4th?
happy gilmore and punch drunk love
M.C.: and billy madison
D.S.C.: billy, happy, punch drunk, funny people
and i would add waterboy, but can’t defend it
T.D.: sure, if you’re 8 years old, billy madison is great
and if you’re a pretentious cunt, funny people is wonderful
D.S.C.: funny people is great, until they go up to visit apatow’s wife
then it’s indefenible
T.D.: Funny People is only for the most insane Apatow apologists, like Hugo is for Scorsese apologists.
M.C.: I hate watching Mommy and Daddy fight!
D.S.C.: if mommy wasn’t such a fucking cunt…
Funny people… good first half a movie… hugo… good movie… T.D…. needs to get laid
T.D.: I’m just lashing out at DSC because he couldn’t be here in person…
…for our Albert Nobbs themed Oscar party
YOU SHOULD SEE MUSKY CANADIAN’S NOBBS COSTUME!
What a strange little man!
…and Mrs. Dilemma is decked out as Mia Wachowski’s character. It’s delightful.
D.S.C.: nothing like a good trannie menage
T.D.: We’re serving Nobbsian tobacco and sweet meats
D.S.C.: is that code?
i can’t believe that all the great advances in technology in human history has led to me watching this shit in peru
Melissa Leo comes out to present Best Supporting Actor, and all of Canada holds its breath in anticipation.
die in a flood, Melissa Leo.
D.S.C.: from indie darling to horrific monster in 3 years… a new record
T.D.: you false, pretentious cunt.
Serkis and Uggie are both nominated here, right?
T.D.: Are people really applauding for Jonah Hill?
M.C.: SERIOUS ACTOR
D.S.C.: is branaugh still rocking a beckham?
T.D.: Does that mean a big package?
USA USA USA
CA! NA! DA!
T.D.: I like Plummer, but come the fuck on.
An Oscar for that minor part?
Pitt and Jolie want to adopt him!
M.C.: Now if he just wins the Genie he’ll really have made it!
D.S.C.: he was good man
stop being racist
T.D.: If any Canadian wins an Oscar it needs to be the dude from Crash Test Dummies. This is an outrage.
M.C.: He’s proud to be in Jonah Hill’s company.
T.D.: mmm mmm mmm mmm
D.S.C.: their first album was good… and that’s a serious comment
T.D.: play his old ass off
…and you’re D.S.C.-ing again.
D.S.C.: M.C. has to do a shot or something
T.D.: D.S.C.-ing = a term we coined tonight that means trolling contrarianiasm.
D.S.C.: first since Walter Huston for Sierra Madre
DSC: defend the terrible movie Titanic for us. Go!
D.S.C.: classic american filmmaking
great love story
kathy bates is super hot
M.C.: …by a Canadian director
I know that was bait
T.D.: …so you’re taking credit for Avatar?
M.C.: YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!
D.S.C.: better than Hurt Locker
T.D.: die in a Peruvian fire
Discussion we just had here at the Nobbs Oscar party…
Is this not just the worst Oscars telecast ever…
is this the worst three and a half hours you’ve ever spent in your life in any capacity?
D.S.C.: 151-149 one second left
T.D.: DSC’s NBA updates are part of the problem.
M.C.: Not fixed.
D.S.C.: HOW DARE YOU
and anybody’s who sat through a decrepit Springsteen show knows there are much worse four hours
T.D.: BAIT: UNTAKEN 3. I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU UNTOOK LAST SUMMER.
D.S.C.: OK, that was D.S.C.ing
T.D.: Listen: I get it. Bright Eyes fans are jealous of anyone who can play a show that lasts longer than 25 minutes without the singer bursting into tears OF EMOTION.
sometimes your bangs just get in your eyes and you start sobbing.
D.S.C.: talk to me when he makes his wife his guitarist
We head into the Screenplay Oscars rooting for the Dean from Community to take home the gold.
T.D.: I think Billy Crystal just killed Musky Canadian.
OMG SHE HAS A LEG!
D.S.C.: yeah, that was not smooth
T.D.: That’s cause she tried to adopt Serkis and Uggie while simultaneously presenting an award.
Dean! Dean! Dean!
D.S.C.: I LIKE COMMUNITY
PEOPLE WHO DON’T SUCK
M.C.: Twitter just exploded.
T.D.: Why did Melissa McCarthy try to eat the Dean on his way to the stage??
D.S.C.: I AM INHERENTLY BETTER THAN MIKE AND MOLLY FANS
D.S.C.: I feel like Payne makes people call him Alexander, which is of course super douchey
M.C.: better or worse than Xander?
The look on Jolie’s face was “make fun all you want, you’ll never fuck anybody as hot as me.”
T.D.: The winner, Woody Allen, for “I Will Now Jerk You Off For Going to College and Remembering a Lit Course.”
D.S.C.: Update: “Seth Rogan has no set rule for what makes a good movie”
T.D.: I hope Precious rapes Robert Downey Jr.
D.S.C.: How do we get Downey back on drugs?
T.D.: “I hope eventually to one day tell the truth. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna get there, but I am slowly letting pieces of myself out there.”– the star of Jack & Jill
M.C.: When will they show the dead people?
D.S.C.: can we just get to the dead people already
T.D.: billy crystal’s on screen right now
D.S.C.: well done td
T.D.: GAH MELISSA MCCARTHY JUST ATE BILLY CRYSTAL’S BACKUP FACE
D.S.C.: I’ll bet my life savings that Whitney’s coming on last
who wants to assume 25K in student loan debt?
T.D.: I’ll take the field.
D.S.C.: another smart financial decision by T.D.
More than two hours in, we start the stretch run with Best Director.
D.S.C.: This is where my predictions hang in the balance
like Michael Douglas’ son’s life hahahahaha
T.D.: please GOD NOT THE ARTIST
Kirk Douglas is presenting/ Cool.
T.D.: OH MY GOD
bye you guys
D.S.C.: it’s the artist for the rest of the night boys
T.D.: payne: 0
D.S.C.: Tom Hooper and this dude: 2
T.D.: WHERE IS UGGIE
M.C.: Uggie: THANKED!
T.D.: For reals? He thanked Uggie for reals?
He’s not live-blogging for PCHA, right?
You servile cunt.
D.S.C.: that dog just won him an oscar
T.D.: Benigni: Engage.
D.S.C.: last three directors: Bigelow, hooper, Hazaaskljio
T.D.: Don’t forget Haggis.
D.S.C.: he never won director
THIS DOESNT COUNT FOR AN EGOT OPRAH YOU FUCKING CUNT
T.D.: what monster directed Crash? Or was that a weird year?
D.S.C.: weird… ang lee won
Also: they just interrupted the worst Oscars telecast of all time to give James Earl Jones an award…AND DIDN’T LET HIM SPEAK
D.S.C.: i’m still thrown by Oprah
T.D.: 2016: Dr. Phil wins an honorary Oscar.
D.S.C.: guess they really thought Beloved was underrated
T.D.: Uh oh. I just got word that Melissa McCarthy is really Oprah in whiteface.
D.S.C.: i was planning on plowing through this tonight but #toomuchjohnnywalker
T.D.: We’ve reached the point in the night where DSC is hashtagging.
Best Actor keeps the silent sweep going.
T.D.: Joey weeps.
D.S.C.: to Joey, Melissa McCarthy is like throwing a hotdog into an empty hallway
T.D.: ha ha ha
D.S.C.: ironically, so is gary oldman
jonah hlll’s face “I still can’t believe I’ve talked to Brad Pitt”
T.D.: this is a silent nightmare.
D.S.C.: So much for my predictions sweeping the internet tomorrow
M.C.: Putting a period on the worst Oscars ever.
T.D.: Meanwhile, The Dilemma goes six for six.
8 for eight with screenplays.
D.S.C.: if he had just mouthed this speech, it would have killed
yeah, but you didn’t pick upsets so you’re a genius if it happens, forgotten if not #Internet101
T.D.: 8 FOR 8! 8 FOR 8! 8 FOR 8!
D.S.C.: simmer down… so were five guys from ew.com
The only small bit of drama with the Best Actress presentation.
T.D.: I assume Sandler got nominated for this category for “Jill”?
“Rooney. You are mediocre, but rich. Hence, the nomination.”
D.S.C.: it’s heartwarming to see someone like rooney mara overcome the odds and make something of herself
T.D.: The Butterscotch Stallion is amused.
T.D.: yay Cold War!
of all the awards to have an upset, this is a fucking outrage.
Yay, British minstrelsy.
D.S.C.: she deserves it
T.D.: She deserves it…NOT!
I can’t wait for Phil Hartman’s Oscar for playing Reagan…
And, mercifully, we reach the end. If you are reading this sentence, hit us up on Twitter… we will get you help.
T.D.: Is there any chance for an upset here? At all?
D.S.C.: none… zero
T.D.: Amazing that Andy Serkis has played the role of every presenter and awardee tonight.
Will Uggie be on stage?
I say yes.
D.S.C.: 100% yes
T.D.: Will Faux Benigni jump over seats?
JOEY WUZ ROBBED!!!!!!!
ANDY SERKIS PLAYED UGGIE THE WHOLE TIME!
D.S.C.: I’m just so happy we did this, for the 40 hits it’ll get
we’ve really contributed to the canon of human knowledge
T.D.: You’re welcome for the fat jokes, America.
D.S.C.: I miss you all… especially Mrs. Dilemma and her pound cake
T.D.: /van halen’d