Drew Magary’s Deadspin post poking fun at the Bill Simmons/Barack Obama summit reminded me of something that I had entirely blocked out:
Simmons bragged in his best-selling book about “pulling the goalie” on his wife. What? This:
The term “pulling the goalie” means “eschewing birth control and letting the chips fall where they may.” Usually couples discuss pulling the goalie before it happens… unless it’s Bridget Moynahan. In my case, I made the executive decision to speed up plans for kid number two. This did not go over well. I think I’m the first person who ever had a home pregnancy test whipped at them at 95 mph. In my defense, I’m getting old and wanted to have a second kid before I wouldn’t be able to have a catch with them anymore. I have no regrets. Plus, we had a son. In the words of Joel Goodson, sometimes you gotta say, “What the fuck?”
Now, I’m not here to conduct a thorough examination of Simmons’s long and ugly history of sexism. But that’s only because Emma Span has already done a masterful job of same. I’m not here to argue that forcing someone to create a life against their will could be considered quite rape-y (or worse). I’m not here to consider how creepy an origin story this is going to make for Billy Simmons Jr. some day. No, I’m here today to figure out the fucking logistics of this thing.
How did Bill Simmons “pull the goalie” on the Sports Gal? How does a gentleman impregnate his wife without her consent? Let’s dig in.
Some have posited that the above passage is a joke. I don’t buy it. The tone is too filled with bragadoccio. I think this is a for real thing that happened, and I want to know how. More specifically, what goalie did Bill Simmons pull? Was it an old, reliable stalwart like Mich Richter? Something flashy but unpredictable like Roberto Luongo?
Let’s run down the scenarios…what types of contraception could the Sports Guy have sabotaged? (Rick Santorum is listening closely.)
1) The Birth Control Pill
The most popular form of birth control in the country. It seems impossible that Simmons could have pulled the goalie if his wife was using the pill, unless he: a) secretly switched out the pills for Smarties, or b) executed a long con of expertly distracting her every night when she was about to take her pill. Verdict: Extremely Unlikely
Condoms seem plausible, because they’re one of the only forms of birth control that the guy controls. But it’s difficult to believe that the Sports Gal wouldn’t notice if Simmons was like, “Yup, I’ve got a condom on!” and was lying….unless he got her completely wasted. Verdict: Possible
3) The Shot
An injection of progestin could conceivably be switched out with water or another anonymous liquid, but only if the needles don’t come pre-filled. Also: not a very common form of birth control. Verdict: Unlikely
4) Pulling Out
It’s certainly plausible that the two had an agreement that he would pull out, and he just didn’t. But that tale doesn’t seem to fit the narrative in the book passage. I don’t really consider pulling out a form of “birth control,” and you get the sense from the passage that she was surprised and angry when she learned she was pregnant. Verdict: Unlikely
5) The Patch
He would have to rip it off without her knowing somehow. Verdict: Extremely Unlikely
6) Female Condoms
Nobody uses female condoms.
Again, impossible to remove without her knowledge….but, at least on soap operas, dudes have been known to poke holes in diaphragms with needles and the like. Verdict: Plausible, but extra evil
8) Reversed Vasectomy
It’s one of the only ways that someone could believably get his wife pregnant without her knowledge and consent, but again, it doesn’t seem to fit the narrative. If Ol’ Boston was just “moving up the timeline” for a second kid, he wouldn’t have had a vasectomy in the first place. Verdict: Unlikely
9) The Ring
Top-secret PCHA moles have informed me that the ring can fall out quite easily during the heat of battle, so to speak. If Simmons noticed this happen, and simply didn’t tell his wife…voila! Baby! Verdict: Possible
10) IUDs and Implants
Surgically implanted, and hence, virtually impossible to remove without someone’s knowledge. Unless roofies were involved? Verdict: Extremely unlikely.
10) The Sponge
As difficult to sneak away with as a diaphragm, but the needle-poking method isn’t an option. Verdict: Extremely unlikely.
So there you have it…the most likely options per our investigation are a lost ring, a lied-about condom, or a hole-poked diaphragm. (I suppose a hole-poked condom is an option too.) Who feels icky?