A Sneak Peek at Louis CK’s New CBS Sitcom

Many were confused and concerned by the recent news that Louis CK is developing a sitcom for CBS. Fans of CK’s dark, philosophical sitcom and acerbic stand-up are worried that he will be defanged and homogenized by CBS’s patented brand of broad, lowest-common-denominator humor.

Fear no more! We’ve seen a sneak preview of the script for the new show’s pilot, and we’re relieved to report that Louis and CBS’s styles actually mesh perfectly. Read on for the first few pages, which we’ve been given exclusive permission to print.

Gettin’ Old! – Season o1, Episode 01

INT. LOUIE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

LOUIE (Louis CK) sits by himself in a reclining chair, an empty carton of ice cream on the TV tray next to him.

He is trying — and failing — to masturbate to an anchorwoman on the local TV news. He is exacerbated by his inability to finish and depressed by the depths to which he’s sunk. Suddenly, the front door to the apartment bursts open and BROCK, Louie’s roommate (Angus T. Jones) comes barreling in.

BROCK

Louie, my man, what’s up? Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, what did I just walk in on?

LOUIE

Jesus Christ, Brock. Don’t you ever knock?

BROCK

Never, because I live here! Remember, you needed some extra rent money after your divorce got finalized, and you put out an ad for a roommate?

LOUIE

I know, it’s just….jeez.

BROCK

Hey bro, nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve all choked the chicken, right? Slapped the sausage. Goosed the gander. Charmed the snake. Supersized the Happy Meal. Right??

LOUIE

Can you leave me alone, please?

BROCK

Looks like you’ve had plenty of alone time already, Big L. Look, you’ve seemed kind of down lately…

LOUIE

I work a nightmare job. My wife left me. My kids don’t want anything to do with me. So yeah, I’d say I’m kind of down.

BROCK

Well, I’m down too, Louie. Down to party, that is! And because we’re friends…

LOUIE

We’re not friends.

BROCK

Well, I know I’m not your best friend, because he’s currently in your right hand! But because I’m worried about you, I’ve arranged for a double date for us tonight.

LOUIE

No way. I’m not doing that. I’m not ready to date.

BROCK

Is it because you’re scared that you’re too old?

LOUIE

No!

BROCK

Because you’re not. My grandpa still goes on dates and he’s at least a few months older than you.

LOUIE

Shut up, Brock.

BROCK

I’m serious! But you should see the wrinkled hags he takes home. They make Betty White look like Kate Upton. These women’s breasts hang so low Grampa doesn’t need a Swiffer anymore. But don’t worry, the girls we’re going out with tonight are young and gorgeous. My backup girlfriend Jenny has a friend she says would be perfect for you.

LOUIE

I’m not doing this.

CUT TO:

Louie and Brock arrive at a fancy restaurant. Louie is wearing jeans and a blazer over this black T-shirt. Brock is wearing a suit and sunglasses inside. They approach the maitre d’.

BROCK

You couldn’t even dress up for the occasion, Louie? What a slob. You know grunge hasn’t been in style since I was a gleam in my father’s eye, right? At least you didn’t wear your Snuggie to dinner.

LOUIE

I wish I were dead.

BROCK (to the maitre d’)

Excuse me good, sir. We have reservations for four, and we’re meeting two lovely ladies here named Jenny and Sidney.

MAITRE D’

Yes, sir. Will your father be checking his…um…”coat”?

LOUIE

I’m not his father!

MATIRE D’

Right this way, sirs.

He leads them to a table where JENNY (guest star Kat Dennings) and SIDNEY are seated with their backs to the camera, both wearing slinky dresses.

As they approach the table, Brock whispers to Louie.

BROCK

OK, Big L, listen, if it turns out she’s a dog and you want to bail on the date, just give me a sign.

LOUIE

What’s the sign?

BROCK

Use the word “monkey” in a sentence.

LOUIE

Fine.

When they reach the table, Jenny and Sidney rise and turn to greet them. Sidney is actually a man in a dress (David Spade).

LOUIE (screaming)

Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!

JENNY

What the hell’s his problem?

BROCK

Sidney’s a dude?! Why did you set Louie up with a dude?

LOUIE

Monkey! Monkey! Gorilla! Planet of the apes! Curious George! Dian Fossey!

JENNY

You mean Louie’s not gay? Then why is he is always listening to show tunes?

LOUIE

Those aren’t show tunes! That’s Van Halen!

The camera pans to the next table, where HORATIO CAINE (David Caruso) is seated. He speaks directly into the camera.

HORATIO

Looks like Louie’s date turned out to be…a real drag.

FADE OUT.

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Filed under Television Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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