Beware Of The Ides Of March

You’ve gotta give Julius Caesar some credit. Jesus may have outlasted the Roman Empire with Christianity, but more than two thousand years after the pagan warrior’s death, the date of his assassination is still well known enough for George Clooney to name a mediocre movie after it. While Caesar failed to treat the Ides of March with the kid gloves he was warned to, maybe we should in this Final Year of Civilization, especially given what’s already transpired in the first half of March (otherwise known as the annual David Simon Cowell sabbatical):

March 1 – Andrew Breitbart Dies

Now, who is going to save the Republic from Obama with anticlimatic gotcha stories, fratty insults and loud yelling? Thank god he left us with that powerhouse videotape of a young Barack speaking to Harvard students about a guy nobody ever heard of.

March 3 – Ronnie Montrose Dies

Without the man who brought Sammy Hagar to the world, there would be no Van Hagar, which means no “Right Now”, which means none of us would be living for today with quite so much gusto.

March 5 – Robert Sherman Dies/ Kony 2012 Released

Either, the composer of “It’s A Small World” dying on the same day that a viral video chronicling an African holocaust started blowing up in the U.S. is fitting, or it just ties two atrocities together. Either way.

March 7 – Peyton Manning Released

The greatest source of evil in our time was contained in the wasteland of Indianapolis… now he’s on the loose all across our great country. The greatest threat to humanity since General Zog was freed in Superman II.

March 10 – Skier Nik Zoricic Dies

And it isn’t even on YouTube… what’s a brother got to do?

March 12 – 7 Billion People On Earth, According to U.S. Census Bureau

So this is the world, and there are now seven billion people on it. When I was a kid, there were four. It’s hard to keep up.

March 13 – Santorum Wins Mississippi & Alabama/ Encyclopedia Britannica Discontinues Its Print Edition.

It’s got to be more than a coincidence that a bedrock of scholarly knowledge for centuries disappears on the same day Rick Santorum inches closer to being able to take out Romney for the nomination.


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Filed under David Simon Cowell, Internet Has AIDS

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