I bet you guys think I’m going to mock Triplets, the recently announced sequel to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Twins. You think you know me so well.
To the contrary, I’m never going to begrudge the great Danny DeVito work (even if it means Eddie Murphy is also involved).
In fact, I think Triplets is going to usher in a golden age of Arnold Schwarzenegger sequels. So many of his films — particularly his great comedies — have long cried out for follow-ups. And I’m not taking about Arnold-free remakes like the new Total Recall — an Arnold movie without Arnold is like a Transformers movie without 3D. Luckily for Hollywood, I’ve got some ideas on what should come next.
Other Upcoming Arnold Schwarzenegger Sequels
Jingle All the Way 2: Dreidel All the Way — 16 years after the events of Jingle All the Way, Arnold is divorced and remarried….to a Jewish woman (Maggie Wheeler)! With an 8-year-old Jewish step-son (this kid)! And this time around, Arnold really has his work cut out for him when little Yosef has his heart set on the eight hottest toys of the season — one for each night of Hanukkah! Can Arnold buy his stepson’s love the way he did his real son’s? Or will cutthroat fellow parents Adam Sandler and Richard Lewis get in his way?
Junior 2: MENopause — After giving birth all those years ago, Arnold’s still got a bunch of weird hormones in his system. Imagine his surprise when he starts getting hot flashes and undergoing The Change! How will Arnold deal with a decreased sex drive? Mood swings? Loss of breast fullness? Emma Thompson is back to help him through with pithy comments and knowing glances.
Kindergarten Cop 2: It IS A Tumor — self-explanatory.
Commando 2 — Arnold must again rescue his now-grown daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano), when he becomes convinced that she’s been kidnapped by a cabal of evil Major League Baseball players, including Barry Zito, Brad Penny, and the dastardly Carl Pavano.
Batman and Robin 2: Freeze Tag — Arnold returns to his most beloved, iconic role as Dr. Victor Fries, aka Mr. Freeze. Bored by all the talking and fucking themes in the Christopher Nolan Batman movies? Return to the character’s golden age as Batman battles his greatest enemy once again. Get ready for soon-to-be-catchphrases like, “Looks like you’ve got a case of freezer burn, Batman!” and a soon-to-be-viral montage of Arnold dancing around his lab, lip-syncing to “Freeze Frame” by the J. Geils Band.