Texas Rangers Demystification Day: Josh Hamilton

Welcome to Texas Rangers Demystification Day, in which we have a little fun with the franchise that’s getting the full sainthood treatment from writers and broadcasters. We hope you stick around!

I imagine what ginger ale tasted like to Jesus Christ. I imagine the cool, dry liquid passing over His holy lips.

I wonder whether the Lord would have preferred Canada Dry or Schweppes. Definitely not Seagram’s. No Canuck ginger ale for Him.

Jesus Christ definitely would have liked ginger ale. No doubt about it. But would it have been enough for Him? After all, Jesus could drink wine. Probably a lot of wine. And nobody ever had a problem with it. I mean, man, He never had a chaperone following him around Nazareth 24/7, cocking his eyebrows all funny-like if He so much as even glanced at a cask of wine or a pleasant-seeming local tavern. And He definitely didn’t have a nagging wife who insisted that He wasn’t allowed to carry around more than $5 in cash at any given time, or 5 rubies, or 5 sticks of myrrh, or whatever the local currency was at that time.

And He didn’t even have the constant temptations that I have to deal with. He was famous, for sure. Definitely renowned, at least. But did He constantly have large-bosomed groupies trying to tempt Him off His path? I don’t think so. Girls back then were pretty gross-looking anyway, in general.

I mean, I’m definitely not calling Him out. He carries me all the time…footprints in the sand and all that shit. He saves me on a daily basis. But we’re supposed to act as He acted, and he never drank no fucking ginger ale, man.

I’ve made mistakes, I get it. Definitely should not have taken heroin or crack. For reals. Bad news. But I owned up to it like a man, and I stay away from that shit now. But I’ve got 8 fucking home runs this season already! I can’t let off some steam in a bar without everyone getting on my case about it? I’ve got pressures on me. Contract pressures. Family pressures. The whole deal. I can’t take a few pulls off a Corona without everyone getting their panties in a bunch?

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Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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