This is What Bob Costas Talks About

These are the things that Bob Costas talked about in his role as play-by-play announcer during Friday night’s Yankees/Red Sox game on the MLB Network:

1) Pace of play. Man, have you guys heard that Yankees/Red Sox games tend to be long? Totally long. In the old days, games were so much shorter. What’s with all these pitching changes and specialized relievers? So long.

2) Steroids. Did you guys know that some baseball players of recent vintage used performance enhancing drugs? True story! Some players — maybe even a lot of them! — used steroids and something called HGH to try to do better at baseball. And now — if you can even believe it — some of them are eligible for the Hall of Fame. What if some of these dastardly cheaters cross the threshold of that sacred institution? We might as well burn down the Louvre.

3) Hustle. These days, some players just don’t run hard out of the box every time they hit the ball. Why? WHY NOT? WHY DON’T YOU RUN HARD OUT OF THE BOX EVERY TIME? THERE IS NO GOOD REASON NOT TO HUSTLE AND BE GRITTY!

These are the things that Bob Costas wanted to address, but did not have time to talk about, because the above three subjects took so much time:

1) Hey, when did they let these brown-colored fellows start playing?

2) The designated hitter: worse than the Spanish flu, or equally as bad as the Spanish flu?

3) It was much better when the games weren’t on television, and you had to use your imagination to picture what was happening.

4) Pitch counts are for faggots.

5) No sitcom has ever done it quite as well as The Honeymooners. Only 39 episodes! Perfection.

6) In the old days, when players would leave their gloves on their field for their opponents to use, that was really something special. What a way to enhance camaraderie. What spirit. What baseball.

This is the thing that Bob Costas did not talk about, and had no interest in talking about:

1) Anything that happened on the field.

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Filed under Sports Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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