Grand statesman of the game Chipper Jones is irked at the enigmatic Melky Cabrera because the Melkman dared taunt the fans and opposition during Wednesday’s Giants-Braves game.
After Gregor Blanco hit a home run, Melky performed a Degeneration X-style crotch chop at home plate (apparently, the 2nd of two crotch chops during the game). He also had the audacity to pretend to toss the Braves fans baseballs but then hold on to them instead.
Chipper ain’t cool with that kind of unruly behavior:
“That’s Melky, and that’s why he’s not here anymore. He got a little happy when Blanco hit the home run. It won’t be forgotten.”
Thank heavens for Larry Jones. Who else would protect us from the terrifying likes of Melky Cabrera?
The last thing baseball needs is an added element of fun. Baseball is too precious for fun. It’s a game of decorum.
Who wants fans heckling visiting players and the players taunting them back? That sounds like a nightmare of impropriety! And a crotch chop? My word! Won’t someone think of the poor children in attendance and watching at home? Is Chipper the only one who loves children?
Luckily, Chipper has a plan to prevent outrageous behavior like Cabrera’s from ever happening again. He’s currently working with the estimable Commissioner Selig to put it through. It will be Chipper’s lasting legacy after he retires at the end of the season. Presenting an early draft of The Larry Nine-Point Plan For a More Gentlemanly Game:
- Any player caught interacting with the fans in any way will be ejected from the game. Fans are to be ignored, not interacted with. They must be treated like porcelain dolls.
- High fives will be banned, to be replaced with the more gentlemanly handshake.
- Celebrations after walk-off home runs will now be limited to polite applause from the dugout. Any player stepping onto the field of play will be suspended 5 games.
- No more sliding. Those pristine white uniforms were not made to be sullied and dirtied.
- Pitchers must now inform batsmen of their pitch selection and location before each delivery. Similarly, batsmen must call out to fielders whether or not they intend to swing.
- Perpetrators of “hotfoot” will receive an automatic, instantaneous lifetime ban.
- Bunting for a base hit will now be illegal.
- Any player caught uttering an obscenity on the field of play faces a 25-game suspension.
- Bob Costas is the new general manager of every team.
- Any player caught without a giant wad of chewing tobacco will be ejected.