Melky Cabrera took steroids. In God’s America. Should he be allowed to stay here, or should he have to pack his bags and go back to the Dominican Republic? Rick Sutcliffe, official representative of the U.S. Customs and Immigration Enforcement Agency, has an opinion:
You know, it makes you mad. First of all, this guy is over here in the United States on a working visa. He broke the law. What’s he doing still here? I mean, forget the 50-game suspension from baseball and whether he can come back if they make the players or not. Why’s he still here? That visa should be taken away, and he should not be allowed to play over here again, or work over here again, in my opinion.
Indeed, it does make you mad. Luckily, Rick Sutcliffe has the power to do something about it — because he’s an officially deputized Immigration Enforcement Agent.
Rick Sutclife: Immigration Enforcement Agent — a new reality television program coming soon to Spike TV. From the press release for the show:
While most of our nation’s immigration agents are busy guarding our borders or keeping our nation safe from terrorists, former pitcher and current ESPN broadcaster Rick Sutcliffe is on a different mission altogether.
The American baseball media has spoken, and all have agreed that ballplayers using performance enhancing drugs is one of the greatest threats to national security. So Sutcliffe has been specially assigned to roam the country, ballpark to ballpark, investigating potential PED use and deporting any players he deems guilty. That namby-pamby commissioner Bud Selig thinks a 50-game suspension is sufficient. Horsefeathers! Sutcliffe knows this insidious threat to our way of life must be eradicated. Or at least sent to Central America.
“I’ve got a great young junior agent, she’s on her way to Arizona tomorrow,” Sutcliffe said. “How about that? Over there on one of those missions, man. You been reading about all that, you been seeing that? Over there, doing that thing, getting some Diamondbacks deported if we can find some Creatine in their lockers. Good stuff.”
So what happens if an American player uses steroids? Not Agent Sutcliffe’s problem.
“I’m here to take away visas and send foreigners packing,” he said. “Americans using steroids is wrong — it’s real wrong — but it’s their God-given right as citizens of the best country in the world. If some guy comes up here from Venezuela or Panama and starts sticking needles in their butt, that’s a whole different story. Playin’ ball in the US of A is a privilege, not a right. And I’m here to enforce that privilege being taken away when necessary.”
Expect controversial episodes throughout the premier season when Agent Sutcliffe:
- Gets so drunk at Miller Park he’s unable to find the clubhouse to confiscate Aramis Ramirez’s visa
- Attempts to send Travis Ishikawa back to Japan, only to learn he was born in Seattle
- Gets so drunk at Fenway Park that he confuses David Ortiz for Manny Ramirez and tells him that he has a one-way ticket to Deportation Town (Ortiz screams at him that he won’t be disrespected like that)
- Consults with Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio to ensure that there are no ballplayers hiding out in Tent City doing HGH
- Gets so drunk at Nationals Park that he forgets he’s on an anti-PED mission and thinks it’s his job to deport Bryce Harper if he doesn’t start playing the game “the right way”