Todd Akin Knows Vaginas

By now you’ve heard that Missouri Senate Candidate — and noted obstetrician/gynecologist — Todd Akin said this over the weekend:

First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. Let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work, or something, I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.

It’s the “or something” that really gives the whole statement an air of scientific authority, don’t you think?

Weirdly, Akin didn’t say anything about the male head having natural defenses to prevent one of the world’s worst combovers.

There’s obviously been an outcry about Akin’s comments, even if Missouri voters apparently don’t give a fuck. (Missourians — simply the best. If only Tony LaRussa would weigh in.) But I think that people are being unfair to Akin. His statement wasn’t exactly taken out of context, but if you read the full transcript, he goes into more detail and explains his position more clearly.

Akin’s full statement:

First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. Let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work, or something, I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.

Now, I know that might sound a little outlandish to people who are less enlightened than me, so let me be abundantly clear: I have consulted with a team of experts, comprised of specialists from the Mayo Clinic, Harvard Medical School, the CDC and the WHO. When combined with my own extensive reservoir of medical and scientific knowledge on women’s health issues, I think it’s fair to say that there are none more qualified to speak on this subject than me and my team.

We need to clarify what legitimate rape is before we delve any further into this, OK? By “legitimate rape,” I mean like throw-you-down-in-an-alley rape. Or find-a-lady-with-lax-privacy-settings-on-Facebook-and-wait-until-she-posts-her-husband-is-out-of-town-on-business-and-then-wait-outside-her-garage-until-she-gets-home-from-work-and-follow-her-inside-and-rape-her rape. We clear?

Legitimate rape does not include a girl getting drunk at a Missou frat party and dancing around all sexy all night long, then passing out, and whatever happens happens. You definitely can get preggers from that kind of rape. And legitimate rape also does not include when a husband’s had a hard day at work and his wife is being a total cunt and won’t put out for him even when he needs it real bad. That’s illegitimate rape, and can certainly lead to pregnancy. And usually does, because God knows that marriage might be in trouble and that a precious child might just be the best thing to save it.

Now that we’ve defined our terms, we can begin to understand the female body’s ways to try to shut that whole thing down. The good Lord has built in several internal defenses into the fairer sex to prevent legit rape pregnancies.

Number one, everybody knows that vaginas have teeth. But thankfully, they’re usually kept in the retracted position. But during a legitimate rape, if the vagina senses that a pregnancy is about to happen, the fangs come out and clench on to that pecker so tight that ain’t nothing coming out of it. Only when things get more relaxed do the teeth let go.

Next, if for some reason the teeth aren’t working right, there’s another line of defense. The female body has something called a Phalopmean Tuber, and the baby juice has to go right through that tuber to make a pregnancy. But during legitimate rape, the Phalopmean Tuber develops a power to pick out which of the sperms might create a life — my men at the Mayo Clinic tell me that the Tuber has secret eyes, and they can see that those sperms are just a little handsomer than the other sperms. Then, the Tuber has tiny hands that reach out and grab those handsome sperms and throws them right back outside the vagina. No harm, no foul.

If for some odd reason, those two tricks don’t work, the female body has a failsafe. My years of research tell me that a baby is made when a sperm gets to the egg, and then God can feel that happening and he casts a magic spell, and then there’s a baby in the belly. But in cases of legitimate rape, the vagina knows that trouble’s about to happen and it doesn’t want to get knocked up. So it shoots that whole egg out of the vagina before the sperm can find it. Then, the sperm gets all confused and just gives up and waits there until the female body decides it wants to have a baby. Now, that means that in some cases when a lady thinks she’s having a baby with her husband, a prior rapist is actually the father — but nobody knows unless the guy was black or something.

Finally, one of the female body’s most effective defenses is that the rape goes on as normal, but then when the stork tries to deliver the baby nine months later, the vagina shoots bullets out of it and kills the stork. Admittedly, it’s sad for the stork who is just an innocent bystander, but the female body is not the most judicious doler out of punishment.

Now that you’ve heard my whole story, I think we can all agree that no unwanted children ever come out of legitimate rape, so we can just take that whole issue of the table. Cool? Akin in ’12 — for Missouri. For the people. For America.

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Filed under Politics Has AIDS, The Dilemma

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