I admit I’ve been derelict in my duties of watchdogging fantasy sports “expert” Matthew Berry lately. Sometimes, there are only so many hours in a day and you have to spend them mocking Rick Reilly and Chris Christie and Rick Sutcliffe and before you know it the day is over and there was just no time to read Matthew Berry’s latest column.
So imagine my surprise and delight when I checked in on the Talented Mr. Roto today and read this:
Between preseason football, my ongoing baseball duties (daily podcast, video, etc.), the twin babies and trying to finish the book I’m writing, I’ve spent almost no time with friends or, more importantly, the older kids.
Fuck the heck? Matthew Berry is writing a book??? The mind boggles. When is it coming out? How do I get my hands on it? Most importantly, what is it going to be about? I had a few ideas:
- “Crazy Chick Stories: The Book. The Amazing First-Hand Tales of Encounters with Women Who Hate Sports, Don’t Laugh At Your Jokes, And Won’t Even Sleep With You on the First Date.”
- “Crocodile Dundee IV: I Couldn’t Sell this Script So Read In Book Form What Happens When Croc Runs For the Senate!”
- “The Inside Dirt on Eric Karabell’s Shocking Private Life”
- “What It’s Like to Know A Lot About Beverly Hills, 90210 — But Not Nearly as Much as Bill Simmons”
- “Every Time I’ve Been Slapped in a Bar: A Full Accounting”
- “Why I Still Think Akili Smith was the Best Fantasy QB of the 2000s”
…but then, like a professional, I did more research and learned that Berry’s book has been in the works for a while now, and that it’s about this:
So a few weeks back, I mentioned that I was doing a book all about fantasy sports. Some advice and strategy, some personal TMR-type stories and a lot of stories all about fantasy sports. The crazy stuff we’ve all done in leagues, to draft, as a result of a trade, everything under the sun. And I’ve gotten some great submissions.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Mr. Pulitzer, we have Mr. Berry on line 3.
A book about CRAZY FANTASY SPORTS stories! I cannot wait.
Here is how the book is going to break down:
1) “Some advice and strategy” — boring (and wrong). Next.
2) “Some personal TMR-type stories” — now here’s where it’s going to get good. I adore that Berry considers “TMR-type stories” a thing. Just his patented brand of raconteuring, I suppose. Imagine hearing tales about Berry hobnobbing with the Hollywood elite. Or delight in stories about the Talented Mrs. Roto, who “doesn’t understand basketball yet roots for the Lakers with the passion of a season-ticker holder.” Maybe we’ll hear about the Mrs. living out the lyrics from “You Be Illin'” by standing up in the crowd in the Staples Center after a Pau Gasol slam dunk and screaming “TOUCHDOWN!” Or we’ll get to hear about the time that Berry pounded 36 parmesan garlic wings at at Buffalo Wild Wings. In less than half an hour!
3) “A lot of stories all about fantasy sports. The crazy stuff we’ve all done in leagues, to draft, as a result of a trade, everything under the sun.” Yesssssss! Now that’s the business. And he’s taking submissions! From the people who read the Talented Mr. Roto for entertainment and listen to his expert advice! (As an aside, I’m in total agreement with Leitch: there is no such thing as a fantasy sports expert. They’re the modern version of carnies.)
My God, what wonderful subject matter for a tome. If there’s one thing that fantasy sports players know, it’s that other people love hearing stories about their fantasy teams. I’ve picked up so many women telling them about heartbreaking fantasy football losses where my quarterback threw an interception on the last drive for -3 points — and I lost by -.5 points. Crazy, right? And people especially love fantasy sports stories when those stories are…EXTREME. Here’s just a small sampling of the kinds of stories that you’re gonna read in TMR’s forthcoming opus:
- One time, a guy who actually at a wedding ducked into the bathroom to swap out wide receivers on his cell phone!
- One time, a guy was in a fantasy football league….and a girl was one of the participants!!
- One time, two guys made a bet on their fantasy football league — and the one who lost had to dress up like a lady for their draft the next year!
- One time, this one bro was icing this other bro, and something something something fantasy baseball.
- One time, these two guys made a trade that was so outrageous and unfair, everyone else in the league was SO unhappy about it. They even sent e-mails to the commissioner complaining about it!
- One time, a guy told his girlfriend he was going out for cigarettes — but actually snuck out to do a draft!
- One time, a guy listened to Matthew Berry’s advice and it worked out for him!
BONUS!!! Matthew Berry acting on One Life to Life with Ted Beneke!!!
DOUBLE BONUS!!! Berry actually wrote this in a recent column: “Finally here, kids. Merry Chistmakah. Not sure why opening kickoff to the NFL season isn’t a national holiday, but it should be. Could we at least get a stamp? Maybe we vote on one? Like between fat Rex Ryan and skinny Rex Ryan? Props if you get the reference.”
So many props, you guys. (Also, he misspelled “Chrismukkah.”)