This year will forever go down in the history books as the year that the human invention known as love perished. In 1859, Darwin published “The Origin of the Species” and creationism was debunked. In 1865, Mendel introduced the laws of genetics, disproving much of what we believed about human character. Now, in 2012, insurmountable evidence has surfaced to prove that the construct of love is a mere myth.
The announcement that Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are divorcing is just the final nail in love’s ungainly coffin, the capper on a year in which the very concept of romance has been utterly destroyed.
DeVito and Perlman gave hope to us all. They seemed to be living proof of the idea that there’s a perfect match for everyone, a soulmate waiting out there somewhere if you can only find them. 40 years, mess o’ kids, a million laughs…all in the toilet. One was on Taxi, one was on Cheers. It seemed like destiny. Until it didn’t.
Of course, earlier this fall we heard about the split of Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, another seemingly ideal couple based in the comedy world.
If GOB Bluth and Leslie Knope can’t make it work, who among us can? What hope is there for any of us? We should all just file for divorce, go out for cigarettes and never come back, and start making arrangements to die alone.
“That’s the Way Love Goes.” — Janet Jackson
We are staring dead-on into the abyss. What we used to think of as love is merely a series of chemical reaction, over which we have no control, purely physical and completely ephemeral.
And that’s just based on what we’ve seen so far in 2012. With the benefit of some insider information, we’ve learned that the anti-love avalanche has just begun. Here’s a sneak peek at what’s still ahead in the months to come:
- In the forthcoming Friday Night Lights movie, Coach and Mrs. Coach get divorced when Tami learns that Coach has been fucking Tyra since she was 14.
- Michelle Obama leaves Barack after his re-election, revealing that she was only in it for the fame. She signs a long-term deal with the Oprah Network.
- John Mellencamp releases “Jack and Diane 2012: The Acrimonious Custody Trial”
- Influenced by his son’s music, Tom Hanks abandons Rita Wilson to pursue a new, freer lifestyle.
- In the series finale of How I Met Your Mother, it’s revealed that the kids’ mother was a surrogate Ted hired because he never found love.
- A director’s cut of True Romance will be released, in which it’s revealed that Alabama left Clarence within days of the film’s original ending because she thinks he’s a “one-eyed freak.”
- A posthumous letter from Hume Cronyn reveals he was gay and Jessica Tandy was his beard.