As our readers know all too well, we can disappear without a trace like white bin Ladens. But if there’s anything sure to bring P.C.H.A. back to life, it’s the Oscars. The self-importance, the musical numbers, the dresses… how can we resist? So, live(ish), from two different continents, here’s the chat you’ve all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, David Simon Cowell and The Dilemma!
DSC: Kristen Chenowith is super nervous and so am I.
TD: Not sure I’ve ever looked forward to an Oscars ceremony less, between MacFarlane and the musical theater tributes.
DSC: Come on… he’s edgy!
Seth McFarlane starts out with 17 minutes of aren’t-I-naughty jokes and weird dance numbers.
TD: He has the Seth Meyers “aren’t I naughty?” smirk down pat.
DSC: I can’t handle his net worth without wanting to punch someone.
Shatner is auditioning for Amour 2.
Torn between appreciating them trying something new/trying to appeal to everybody vs. wanting to break my tv
TD: Team Break TV!
DSC: They’re basically doing one for the college kids, one for the grandparents.
TD: JoGo is dangerously close to becoming Boy Anne Hathaway. Always covered in flop sweat and dying to ENTERTAIN, damnit!
Octavia Spencer comes out to present Best Supporting Actor.
TD: Phew, we needed a reminder early on how bad last year’s nominees were. The fucking Help.
Will: DeNiro in an upset. Should: PSH
Imagine if in 1980, someone had told DeNiro he’d someday be getting pity Oscar nominations because he seemed to put in a the tiniest bit of effort for the first time in 15 years.
DSC: Should: PSH. Will: Arkin as part of an Argo movement.
Wow. Waltz. He won for the same role like three years ago.
TD: But Waltz was the only reason Django was entertaining.
Wonder if QT showered today.
DSC: Wonder if any actor has ever won two Oscars with the same director before.
Dianne Weist with Woody Allen.
TD: Good Lord.
There was more than an hour of below-the-line awards, without anything remotely interesting happening.
TD: “Presenter banter” would be pretty high on the list of things I would eliminate from awards shows if I could. They need to knock an hour off the telecast, and about 8 of these awards no one cares about.
The Avengers was legitimately awful.
DSC: Robert Downey Jr. is a cautionary tale for whenever you wish that someone who died young didn’t.
The problem with the Oscars is that it’s just awards… don’t know how you get around that though.
The Grammys are a joke, but they were smart to turn it into a concert special.
Shirley Bassey staggers out to sing Goldfinger for some reason.
TD: Be careful Maya Rudolph, or this is your future.
Finally, something relevant happens as they present Best Documentary.
TD: Feel like Plague is going to win.
DSC: Sugar Man. It’s a total redemption story. That’s the only thing Hollywood likes more than the Holocaust and AIDS.
TD: movies about movies > redemption > Holocaust > AIDS.
DSC: How can we fit them all in one script?
Strangely, the Oscar producers decide to do a big tribute to the musicals of the ’00s.
TD: Travolta must be so proud that Hairspray played on the screens behind him as he walked out.
DSC: He’s using Bruce Jenner’s plastic surgeon, I see.
TD: A tribute to the musicals of the last 10 years? WTF?
That’s like a tribute to the best Latino ballplayers of the 1920s.
HATHAWAY DOES NOT SING IN THIS SONG IN THE MOVIE OR THE MUSICAL! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!
DSC: I don’t recognize them without the camera being an inch from their faces.
TD: I’m so angry they shoehorned Hathaway into a song during which her character was already fucking dead.
THAT IS NOT LES MIS CANON.
DSC: Hopefully they’ll do a better job on the Cats movie for you.
TD: Cats is the anti Les Mis.
TD: Total Les Mis burn.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, we get what we came here for… Anne Hathaway’s awfulness.
TD: Ugh, the hyperventilating. Literally the worst moment of the whole movie.
DSC: “It came true.” (baby voice)
TD: croc tears.
DSC: To my ex-hubby, who used all that stolen money on my plastic surgery.
TD: “my team”
DSC: “led by the lionhearted”
TD: die in a fire
PLAY HER OFF
DSC: No chance.
“Special contributions by”
TD: This is the least heartfelt speech in history.
She’s a robot.
DSC: She’s too annoying not to be from Connecticut.
TD: How dare you
“the misfortunes of Fantine”
DSC: I may watch that speech on repeat for the rest of the night.
TD: They’re going to use that speech to brainwash and torture suspected terrorists at Guantanamo.
DSC: Hold on… I’m reading about how real and inspiring she is on the Interweb.
DSC: This Oscar has taken my will to live.
Tell my daughter what I was like before this Oscars.
TD: “There was a time when your Daddy could do more than drool and occasionally hum showtunes.”
DSC: Jeffrey Katzenberg winning a humanitarian award is fucking hilarious.
Everybody’s favorite Oscar moment… the In Memorium montage.
DSC: Worst movie you could have under your name for the In Memoriam?
TD: Little Nicky
DSC: Phantom of the Paradise
DSC: Tony Scott – “I love this adventure so much I’m going to jump off a bridge.”
TD: Nora Ephrom: writer/director/war criminal
DSC: Did they find the douchiest possible quotes so we’re not sorry they’re dead?
TD: “The ability to fantasize is the ability to grow” — Bradbury on internet porn.
TD: one of the most inexplicably famous people ever.
DSC: She’s sold 140 million albums… I can’t wrap my mind around that
TD: Why do the gays love her so?
DSC: Because they hate women
At this point we blacked out… when we woke up, Ang Lee had twice as many Oscars as Scorsese,
Daniel Day-Lewis had three Oscars to Leo’s zero, Jennifer Lawrence was still hot, and for some reason, Michelle Obama was on the screen.
DSC: No more elections… Michelle’s Unchained.
TD: I love her so much.
This is fodder for conservatives though.
DSC: Both she and Barack raved about Beasts.
He has to be the president with the best taste ever.
TD: That was clinched with his love of The Wire.
Jack broke out the good coke for tonight.
Anything truly surprising tonight?
DSC: Affleck having the better beard.
I want to thank J Lo. I want to thank Matt Damon.
TD: Better thank Matt Damon.
Is Affleck now a bigger star than Damon?
Actors are bigger than directors.
If Bourne made what Argo made, the producers would kill themselves.
TD: Why do we watch this every year?
DSC: Because we’re sick… we’re very sick.