Breaking Down CPAC

As the 2012 Republican nominating season gets slightly more interesting, although headed toward the same inevitable result, a few things are certain. Nobody actually likes Mitt Romney. Even voters in Maine aren’t crazy enough to give a primary to Ron Paul (and having experienced some of the freakshows who live there first-hand, that’s saying something). A decent number of god-fearing, upstanding, Midwestern voters think the Presidential portrait gallery should go from Washington to Ass Juice. And Gingrich is going to be a dick even if it serves no productive purpose.

But, even if the mechanics leave something to be desired, the 2012 Republican Party always brings enough crazy to be entertaining. Yesterday’s New York Times (or, as it’s known by some, the propaganda arm of the Secular Islamist Socialist Anarchists (SISA)) chronicled the last day of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). An annual meeting of the committed conservative base, it’s basically the caucus of Crazy Town. As usual, it didn’t disappoint.

In dozens of interviews, virtually everyone said the same thing: “Anybody but Obama.”

Or, as Robert Kitchens, a retiree from Houston, put it, “I’m interested in saving the country.”

Oh, the overwrought delusion of white male retirees. Although, many of the Founding Fathers also had gout, so maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss.

Whatever their putative topic, most of the conference speakers seized on the contraception issue, saying it had revealed to the country Mr. Obama’s true anti-constitutional colors. Few were mollified by the modifications Mr. Obama offered on Friday.

It’s hard to believe that CPAC wasn’t mollified by Obama. Must be his fault.

While we’re on the subject, are you fucking kidding me? Are we really debating fucking contraception in 2012?

I know, I know, Crazy Town, this isn’t about contraception, this about personal freedom, and religious freedom, and blah blah blah. Except your candidates range from the pandering (Romney) to the prehistoric (Santorum) when it comes to women’s health. Not even Catholic women listen to the church on this one. Call me a SISA, but if you open a hospital in the U.S., the first priority should be providing people with the best available health care, not following the edicts of some octogenarian across the Atlantic. If that’s a problem, hide your vast fortune in some other businesses.

In a speech, Mike Huckabee, a former Arkansas governor and a Baptist minister, criticized what he called a severe threat to religious freedom and the First Amendment.

“Thanks to President Obama, we are all Catholics now,” he said, recalling if altering President John F. Kennedy’s famous “I am a Berliner” declaration.

In 50 years, we’ve gone from Republicans using JFK’s Catholicism as a way to keep him from being elected, to using it as a way to keep women from good health care. What a country.

In one example of the harsh accusations, Wayne LaPierre, the executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, said that while the president had not actually tried to rein in gun ownership yet, “he’s hiding his true intentions to destroy the Second Amendment in his second term.”

“We’re on the brink of seeing our freedom destroyed,” Mr. LaPierre said.

Now it’s officially throw-up-your-hands time. It isn’t that Obama has taken away our freedoms. It’s that he’s employing a rope-a-dope, waiting until his lame-duck second term to really kill America. So far, IT’S JUST BEEN FOREPLAY, PEOPLE!

With the Republican candidates vying for allegiance, this year’s event had an unusual excitement. A booth for Mr. Santorum in the exhibition hall had sold 250 navy blue sweater vests by Friday night.

Middle-aged married couples all over the Midwest are slipping away for a little game of Rick and Karen make another baby. And I’m the sick one.

Half of the crowd were college students, many of whom said they were thrilled to rub shoulders with A-list politicians like Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, as well as leaders from groups like the Heritage Foundation and the National Organization for Marriage. Fox News correspondents were also a draw, with many students asking them to pose for iPhone snapshots.

Ain’t no party like a Washington party…

But no one drew a more excited response than Ms. Palin. More than two hours before her speech, people formed a long line to enter the hall, and the organizers had to arrange for overflow rooms with video.

“She’s our hero,” said Barbara Delo, a nurse in her 50s from Blauvelt, N.Y.

Really, Babs, hero? Really? YOU’RE A FIFTY-SOMETHING WOMAN!